Monday, October 19, 2009

First Day of Almost Normal

I say Almost Normal, because my son isn't going back to school today, just the girls. He hasn't been feeling well, and had a fever yesterday, so today I'll keep him home.

But is this really normal anyway? for us I guess it is. Up at 7, me showered, kids get dressed, off to school and the "baby" and I go out to run errands or do something fun.

So while I guess this really is a normal day, it really isn't either. When my husband was alive, practically every morning, unless he had to sleep or was too busy to call, he would send me a text saying "time to get up baby". This morning when my alarm went off, I grabbed my phone from my bedside expecting to see a text from him. And then I realized it wouldn't be coming. ever again. Talk about a crushing disappointment.

I wish it were a normal day. I wish I got my text or bbm (blackberry message) this morning telling me to get up. That would mean he would be calling me in approximately 20 minutes now.

Instead, today I get to entertain my in laws for one more day. I get to go to the bank and deposit checks that, while I am very very grateful for, were given to me in sympathy of him dying. I also get to call the funeral home and make an appointment for tomorrow so I can order his plaque. Oh, and let's see, I also need to call the life insurance companies again to see if my paperwork has been sent.

So it's not an Almost Normal, or a Normal day; it's a Craptastic, Craptacular, Shitty fucking day.

My aunt was widowed 8 years ago around the same age as me. She was 32 though, instead of 29, and had two young kids at ages 3 and 8, also same as me except for my7-year-old . She told me that one day I will be ok, one day. But it's going to take a long time. I know that, I wish it were easier though.

But one day, in the future, I will be ok. The kids will be ok. And we will be happy again. One day.


Being A Butterfly said...

I remember having to face that I would never have what I or the kids knew to be "Normal" again. That we would have to find a "new normal". But what is a new normal? I'm still, almost two years later, trying to find our new normal. I have found pieces of it but have yet to feel normal. I pray that you find your "new normal" much sooner than we have found ours. We are still praying for you and will continue to do so. If you need anything you know how to reach me and I'm always here.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me - I live in Maryland, but I heard about your blog through a MOPS friend. Thanks so much for your transparency through your grieving process. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Be sure to give yourself tons of GRACE...

Manda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish there was something I could do to help you guys out.

I can't imagine getting a text almost every morning to a text from your honey and then all of a sudden that is gone.

I hope that you are able to heal fast, and hope your kids are okay too :)