Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I can't even think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.

Today I got the older girls off to school. I still have the boy as he is not allowed to go to school if he has had a fever over 100 in the past 24 hours. Hopefully tomorrow he can go back. His temps are normal.

Today I had to miss MOPS, which I am quite upset about, because I have been dying to go back and see my friends. But the 3d of November it will have to be. But guess what the topic is on the 3d? Grief. Yes, grief. I'm a little unsure of going, but perhaps it will be good for me.

Today I am angry at my husband's father. For reasons I care not to get into, he has decided to choose his dead son, my husband, over his 4 LIVE grandchildren. Today I am disgusted with him because of his behaviour. And today I think he is pathetic because he threw a big hissy fit temper tantrum last night, and stormed off and left without saying goodbye to the kids. He has not seen his grand kids more than twice in 8.5 years, and he left for Pennsylvania without saying goodbye.

Today I get to go talk business with the funeral director. That should be fun. Actually, I'm not worried about it, they will help me out. I was going to order a plaque for my husband's urn, but today I am not so sure I want to do so. I'm not feeling a strong urge to do so, and I am sure my husband would understand. The urn turned out beautifully with the engraving, and I am sure that is enough. I just don't want to do it. I might wait, and think about it, and see how I feel in a few weeks. He never specifically requested that he have that, he just mentioned it in passing once a few years back. What would you do? He's not here to make decisions anymore, but I also don't want to dishonor his wishes. Even if it was a wish, I can't really remember clearly.

Today I get to go buy some more jeans because I have lost 20 pounds in two weeks. I haven't weighed this in two years.

Today I get to go return stuff that was in my husband's truck that he never got to use. Deodorant, razors, socks, jeans. Stuff that still has the tags on it, that I don't want to keep.

Today I get to come home for the first time without any company, without seeing a big white Kenworth in the driveway, all by ourselves. I'm doing OK so far today, but I don't know how I am going to feel later in the day. Yesterday I saw his truck being driven away for the very last time. It was so incredibly hard, and I cried buckets. Today my alarm went off and I jumped up again looking for a text message or bbm. I hope that with time this will pass, but it has been my routine for years, and I mean YEARS. It is going to take a long time to get over it.

Today I will just try to be.


Anonymous said...

You don't know me, I came over here from gymbofriends. I just wanted to give you a big hug and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen said...

Remembering you in prayer today.

Thia said...

Just wanted to say I am still reading, thinking, and praying.

Liss said...

You are being so strong, I hope 'today' passes quickly. xxx

Anonymous said...

You don't know me either but I read your thread on GF and followed you over here....

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You are always in my thoughts. I hope through even your toughest times you will continue with your writing - you have an amazing talent with words. Much love xx

Karis said...

Lots of prayers being sent your way every day.

Heather said...

Hi Joanna!
I've been thinking of you everyday and check your blog to see how you and the kids are doing. Let me know when you feel up for people calling you. If you need a friend to talk to just call me or we can always meet for coffee somewhere or even go look at Gymboree clothes.

Praying or you everyday!