Wednesday, October 28, 2009

More Questions

I realized yesterday after I had written this post that I forgot many of the other questions I have been thinking of.

Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it's just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. It's hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.

To quote my husband:

"I think people fear death because it's an inconceivable state of existence. Dying is something we all must do, but nobody can sit around and really explain what it's like. Before the day of your birth, you can't possibly know, from a first-hand account, what life on this planet was like. Sure, you can read about it and even watch movies and listen to music made before your birth, but you have no real recollection of what it was like to exist back then. Death will probably end up the same way. The problem is that we can't seem to reconcile with that idea. We just can't wrap our heads around the fact that, after we die, things will continue on without us."

One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just can't share that right now. I'm not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I don't think I have told anyone that. I've kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.

I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but I'll never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him it's ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That I'll always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.

And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but that's going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and don't care to get into it right now.

Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I don't want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I haven't a clue on how to brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I don't know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. I'll have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I haven't the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, who's going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).

I'm the one who's going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. I'm going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. I'm going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. I'm the one who's going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And I'm the one who's going to grow old without the love of my life.

Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just don't want to! I don't want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDN'T YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"

So I'm not sure if I am angry, I don't feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.

I just want him back.


Thia said...

You make some excellent points. My husband handles all the maintenaince for our three computers. I wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe I should learn...

Crystal said...

I got chills, Joanna. I think he knows just what you are thinking, just how you are feeling and just how hard it is on you and that he would like to offer YOU comfort if you are scared, overwhelmed, confused and angry. I can not explain it, but when I read your desire to do that for him, all the hairs on my body (not my head ;-) stood on end. I believe he is very aware of you and your children at this very moment and since his death.

You would not believe the amount of times I think of you and offer prayers for the five of you every day...

LisaW said...

It sounds to me like you are angry, alone, and scared. And I think that is ok. It's part of the "process."

All of these things he didn't teach you to take care of. They are just things. You can learn. I know, you don't want to. But you will. All of us from the old OH days are around - we're glad to help when you are ready.

While you are angry and frustrated and overwhelmed about what Barry didn't teach you, remember the things he did teach and share with you - how to love, how to live fully, how to find joy in the things around you, the children.

Those are the things unique to Barry and to your relationship. That's the stuff legacies are made of.

The rest, well, it's just stuff.

Kelly said...

Hello! First off, I'm sorry for your loss.

I work for Grocery Outlet and we've connected a bit on Twitter. I read your story and I wanted to reach out and see if there was a way we could help you. Could you please get in touch and tell me where your local store is? Direct message @groceryoutlet on Twitter if that's best for privacy's sake. Only I read it. Just let me know and we'll see what we can do to help.