Sunday, May 24, 2009

Eeking Along

Some things have been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

Do you ever feel like you are just eeking your way through life? Just getting up each day and doing your daily routine. Get up, feed the kids, get the kids off to school, go to the gym or run errands, eat lunch, do something in the afternoon, make dinner, help with homework, kids shower, kids to bed, tv or computer time and back to bed. Over and over and over with no purpose.

I feel like that right now. Like I have no purpose. I'm trying to figure out what I want in life, because I'm just not living the way I want to be.

Being a mommy and a wife is fine, but being a housewife is just not fulfilling to me. I think for a long time I have struggled with some form of depression, but never fully owned up to it. I don't really think it needs to be medicated, I just think I need to improve my view on life and my surroundings.

But how do you find purpose, how do you figure out what fills you up and makes you excited each day? And how do you make yourself happy? What do you do to enrich yourself?

I've been out of the work force since October 2000. Yeah, that's right. I haven't had a paying job in almost 9 years. And by the time I get one, it is going to be almost 12 years. 12 years out of the work force. What am I going to do with myself once my youngest goes to kindergarten? I need to get a job to keep myself busy, or so my husband says. He seems to think that once she starts school full time, be it kindergarten or 1st grade, I will be miserable and become even more depressed. So he is going to make me go back to work. This means I need to figure out what to do.

Do I go back to school? That really isn't very economical because we want to buy a house and save for retirement, and my talents could better be used for a paying job. Do I settle for a mediocre job in retail? That's all I've known though. Getting a job, or the prospect of it, scares the crapola out of me. And that coupled with all the major changes going on in our family in the next three years really throws a monkey wrench into my comfort zone. But I will need to do it.

For now though, how do I make myself happy? I feel that losing weight will make me happier. If I didn't have so much clutter and a cleaner house I would be happier. If I wasn't a pseudo-single parent I would be happier. I think it sounds like I just need to pull my head out of my ass and buck up, and make myself feel better. I've no motivation to do anything, and myself and the kids suffer for it.

It makes me sad that I am not the woman, wife and mother I should and can be, but sometimes I just can't figure out how to get out of the funk and stop eeking along. I need to become a better me.

Some things I have thought about doing to better myself are:

*learning how to sew with a sewing machine
*finishing up/catching up my scrap booking
*losing weight and sticking to a healthy eating plan/exercise plan
*buy a piano and take lessons again
*try to cook new foods and be more adventurous
*figure out what it is that I am good at. That one thing that I can do.
*sticking to a daily schedule. I have one, but I've been lazy. again.
*keeping up with my household duties, especially the laundry. It is my nemesis.

What about yourself? What do you do to make yourself feel better?


Danna said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel on this one! Sometimes I feel guilty getting stuff we need around the house because I feel that I'm not contributing to the finance area of things. This has really hit me lately too. I'm not sure...about this one either. I sometimes feel that I need to help financially at times but have no idea where to even look as I still want to be home with my kids as that is my #1 responsibility as a parent (in my opinion) and a decision that we both agreed upon before we even had children. I do know that when we are done completing our family that I will most likely be going to work while the youngest one is in grade school but still...Isn't there something I can do?
One thing that I do feel better doing though is when my dearhubby books an appointment for me to have a pedicure. If he books it, then I know that it is ok and then I'm ok with it. I also think that losing weight is a HUGE one in my case also. It's just the getting to that goal weight that is so hard!

Aimee said...

I can relate to a lot of things in this post and started a gigantic comment. I'm thinking I should just email you. Don't know if I have your address, could you email it to me? aimeeodegard (at) gmail (dot) com thanks.

Jessica said...

First off, don't forget that you ARE contributing financially. If you weren't raising your kids, you'd be paying someone else to and depending on how many kids and where and for how long, it's hundreds, even thousands of dollars a month.

Second, your To Do List, while positive, may also only serve to make you feel worse; it's a lot to chew on and "look at everything you're not doing" sort of thing. Try giving yourself 6 months to accomplish each one, space them out, don't even let yourself look past the one you're most eager to do. Having said that, give prioritizing them a shot, then go for it.

Lastly, I hope I'm not coming off as a know-it-all, because I'm so not, I just can really relate and it's hard to hear another woman and mother feel this way about herself. I've written similar things, but it's harder to see it from someone else. Being able to stay at home with our kids is such a gift and if only we, and everyone else, saw it as an art form maybe we'd feel more purposeful and accomplished.

Earning a dollar is not the be all end all. Leaving the house and doing shit *out there* doesn't necessarily mean you'll start feeling better. It starts with you.

Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? Whenever I get muddled I think of that book - brilliant memoir of a woman's journey from depression to self-discovery. Good read, not mushy and actually really fascinating.

Anyhoo, I hope you feel better. I know we all have our days. Remember that what you do every day is 1000x more important than selling someone a sweater. (hug)