Blueberry Muffins, A Coping Mechanism?

While eating breakfast this morning with the kids, I was reminded of Barry again all because of a Blueberry muffin.

Ok, let me back track a little bit. First off, I have a Costco membership thanks to my friend Mimi. Secondly, I love Costco muffins, especially blueberry and poppy seed/almond. I bought some a couple weeks ago, but froze the rest as we couldn't finish them. Today for breakfast the kids wanted a muffin, so I said yes and pulled some out of the freezer.

As we were eating, and enjoying those delicious muffins, my youngest daughter was complaining about her blueberries. I don't know why, she's 3.5...it's her age. She complains about anything that strikes her fancy. I was telling her how she loved blueberries, and she always has, ever since she was a baby. They were her favorite fruit. But as I was telling her how much she did like them, I was struck with the memory of how Barry would say Blueberry.

Blu-burr-ee.

He actually adopted this way of saying it from one of his favorite XM Radio Personalities. I can't remember if it was Opie or Anthony, one of the two. Blueberries were Barry's favorite fruit too. He really didn't like the taste of fruit, but was a blueberry eating fool. Actually, this past summer the kids and I were picking LOADS of blueberries, almost 40lbs, and my freezer is still full of berries, a pie, and a few blueberry buckles. He ate a lot of it while he was home in August actually, he loved his Blueberry Pie and Blueberry Buckle. Barry always thought it was funny to say it like that, I can even hear his voice saying it in my head. Blu-burr-ee.

As soon as I remembered this, I pushed it from my mind. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the kids, even though it was funny, because it was a memory.

What is wrong with me? I can't handle the memories. I'm afraid to remember, but I'm also afraid that I will forget if I don't remember. What happens if I don't write all the memories down? Will they fade with time, or will they just pop up like they did this morning? it's too hard for me to write things down unless I'm blogging about it, though I can't blog about every single memory. Some of them are too sad, some are too private, and it's too hard to write about it, even in a journal in list form.

Is this my mind subconsciously making me cope? By making me not ready to write things down? Or is it just biding it's time and waiting for me to be ready?

I wish I knew.

Lists

I wanted to talk about a bunch of different topics, subjects, what have you, but as there is too much, I will just list it, and summarize everything.

• I can't remember the last time I really cleaned my room. I think it was before Barry was to come home, before he went into the hospital. After he died, and mom and I were cleaning for out of town company, we used my room as a catch all. I still have his clothes where I left them. His Fridge, a bin full of stuff to bring to goodwill, his Army duffel bag full of his clean AND dirty laundry. Countless bags of Christmas presents on the floor and stuffed into the closet. The clothes I bought for the Salvation Army kids, the clothes I bought myself at Old Navy yesterday, my clean clothes stacked on a box. Books, clutter,, his computers and lap top bag, a random sock of his from last august that he left at home by accident, paper work, just clutter. I have to clear a path really, it's very messy. And mom, I know you're reading this, rest assured it will be clean before you come over at Christmas. No bitching allowed! haha

• I still haven't touched his clothes from where I put them when I emptied his truck. Everything is how I left it when I first put it there. Though I really suppose I SHOULD charge the lap top, I haven't used it in a few weeks.

• I haven't folded laundry properly in weeks

• My son asked if he could do the dishes before school this morning because i left them from last night and the kitchen was messy. So yes, I did do them after they went to school

• As it is painfully obvious, housework is not a priority for me right now. I have to get my butt in gear though because I have 4 family members coming in from out of town for Christmas in just over a month.
  

• I almost bought Barry a pair of slippers the other day because I knew his were worn out and in need of replacement. I was going to buy him new work gloves, new slippers, and a new duffel bag...all of which he desperately needed.

• We started family grief support Thursday night. I didn't get anything out of it. I'm hoping this will change, but I do understand it is geared to the kids. Almost everyone there lost someone to cancer. I felt very out of place.

• I talked to Barry's school today regarding his account, transcripts and everything. It made me very sad that he will never get to see his dream fulfilled. He was such an AWESOME student! On the Dean's list every semester. I'm in the process of getting copies of his transcripts and Dean's list letters to save for the kids. I want to show them how much of a wonderful student their daddy was.

• Yesterday I a let my 3.5 year old watch Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas twice in a row and I didn't care. I also didn't shower till 10:30 yesterday morning.

• Last night I took the kids to Costco after an early dinner. Before we left, I thought to myself, "Oh, I better call Barry to let him know we're going out".

• I don't think there has been more than a one day span where I haven't gone out since Barry got home October 4th. I go somewhere almost every day. Before, I would only go out every few days. Now I HAVE to go somewhere, do something, anything, to keep my mind off things and keep busy and entertained.

• Today I took my kids Christmas shopping and out for lunch. We had a subway gift card for lunch, but do you know how HARD it is to corral 4 kids in small restaurant? Plus keep them reasonably quiet and well mannered? It's impossible. Then we headed to Old Navy, Toys R Us, Target and Pier One. I will say this: There is a reason I only do my shopping during the week when the three oldest are in school.

• I am hoping, crossing my fingers, anything, that 2010 is a better year for us. A year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories. I hope it's our year to be happy.
  

Reality Is A Cruel Bitch

Don't you agree?

This morning I heard the familiar sounds of air brakes, and my heart started beating faster with excitement, pitter patter pitter patter.. I knew it wasn't Barry, but I couldn't help myself, and went outside to look and see what it was. Just a truck at the neighbor's house. Though my mind knew, my heart was still slightly crushed.

Unfortunately, the dog also heard it. Braddock loves Barry, and is used to him being gone. As soon as he heard them, he started whining and crying. You never really think of the pets in this sort of situation, but he knows. Braddock has known that sound for a very long time, since early 2004. Air brakes by the house means Daddy is home.

But now he's not.

I still haven't full accepted Barry's death. Why? I don't know. I just don't know how to fully comprehend it. Wrapping my mind around it is such a foreign concept to me and I still don't understand. And I'm not sure when I will. My mind does know, but my heart does not. I think that had Barry had a job where he was home all the time, this would be an easier transition. His job was a blessing, and a curse in disguise. So yes, we're used to him being gone which helps with day to day life, but again, we're also used to him being gone, so it doesn't seem real.

As I am typing this, the dog heard the truck outside start up again, and he is barking like mad. He thinks Barry is home. He is conditioned, like Pavlov's theory of Classical Conditioning.

On a bit of a happier note, I decided that this year the kids and I would adopt two children from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. You can pick an angel in your area, and either have the items shipped to the Salvation Army in their name, or drop it off at a local location. I'll be dropping them off at a local Salvation Army center.

I just felt really called to do this. Everyone has been so good to us, that I just wanted to make someone else's Christmas a little brighter. I have wanted to do this in the past, but we could never spare the money. This year I decided I would make sure I did. Please consider doing so if you can spare some, even $50 to go buy an outfit and some toys. I assure you it would really really help some parents give their children a Christmas that they can't otherwise afford.

I did have another, completely different, idea for today's post, but that will have to wait. I just felt it was more important to talk about what the dog was going through.

Pets grieve too.

Struggling Today

Today I wish it wasn't a holiday, and that I could send the kids on the bus to school again. They have been so bratty today, and I am about to lose my mind. I live for when they're at school, is that bad? At least right now, I want them at school. Honestly, I can't handle them right now, and I am so tired of the fighting, yelling, and bitching at each other. They're all so antagonistic towards each other. Maybe I need to tie their legs together so they can just walk as one, and not 4.

Today I am so BORED. There is so much to do around the house, but I have been hit with a tendinitis flare up, and even typing this is hard. So putting together that shelving unit I bought yesterday, is going to have to wait. As is all the detailed work like folding laundry, and cleaning. I'm basically left with one hand, my right one, to do everything. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch TV, the Internet is boring, the kids are bratty, today sucks. I was thinking of heading to Wall*Hell today, but I am not about to take all the kids to a store to hear them whine about not getting toys, and running all over the place. Plus, I have a cold too, so not being able to breathe through my nose is pretty awful. I woke up at one point during the night because I couldn't breathe.

Today also marks Month Two. Today we started a new month without Barry. I think it is really starting to hit me, and I have been a lot more weepy lately. I just miss him so much! I still don't know how I am going to go on without him. I am, but I don't know how. Sure, it's easy to say moment by moment, but do you know sometimes I wish I could just end all this and be with him. I don't relish the thought of being without my husband for the rest of my life. I don't want the added responsibility that comes with being an "official" single parent.

Most of all, I am so tired of hearing "I'm so sorry for your loss", and "keeping you in our prayers and thoughts". ENOUGH! Just stop it already. I just want advice and support, NOT an I'm sorry. And I'm going to lay it all out here, I am so pissed that some of the family members didn't send cards or call. WTF, are you so into yourself and your own issues that you can't send a card? You can't even send your condolences via email or facebook? Might as well not even try now, it's been a month. Just remember this when you lose someone in your life, and I conveniently forget to send a card or call. Maybe you didn't know Barry very well, or talk to him in YEARS, but shame on you for not even saying an I'm sorry via a card when he died. A stamp only costs $.44 and a card about $3. Is that not worth it to you? Yeah, I know i said I was tired of the sympathy, but it just gets to me that some people, especially FAMILY, didn't care enough about us to send cards or send condolences. I think it's really sad that people are so close minded that they can't take a half hour to buy, address, and send a card when someone dies.

Tomorrow our family grief support starts. I am looking forward to it. I just need to vent to other people that have experienced what I have. I'm still thinking of looking into going to a shooting range. I really need to get out some aggression I think. I'm also going to a grief support group on Monday, on how to prepare/survive the holidays without your loved ones.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, I'm writing this Monday night. It's going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I don't have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I don't want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. I'm staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just don't have to think. I've also got a veteran's day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I haven't been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly can't write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps I'll even have them bound into a book. So here goes....I'm even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barry's time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. I'll always love you less than 3. You're my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasn't even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for E's birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized you'd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided I'd go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. I'm so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didn't want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. I'll never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I don't remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I don't even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. That's when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldn't find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, I'm sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didn't even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldn't wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasn't a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasn't happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldn't want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I don't think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldn't have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldn't stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and they've been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesn't get it. I don't know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. I've tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. We're starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. I've been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. I've done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. I've really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. I'm even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didn't expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. I'm glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. It's so pompous, arrogant...it's you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)

So I Couldn't Wait

I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I can't anymore.

Let's start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something I've been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Meet the newest member of my family:

I also got this lens for it:


I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the camera's awesomeness.

In other news, I've been avoiding grief again. Grief didn't like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.

Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldn't stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually don't think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think it's something I am going to have to do a bit more often.

I still have moments where I feel panicky. I've had that a lot this weekend, and it's probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!

Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly don't like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but I'm scared to be without him. It's even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I haven't done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barry's memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I don't want to forget ANYTHING.

Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.

Taking A Break

I haven't felt like blogging lately, so for anyone wondering where I've been, I've been taking a break.

I'm not sure when I'll be back, but please continue to come read and post, etc etc. Honestly, it's tiring to write about it all the time. And I don't want to do that right now.

This weekend I am just going to focus on myself and the kids. We're going to go see a movie, go out for dinner, and just have fun as a family.

I'll be back soon!

So......

I don't have a title for today's post.

Today I went back to MOPS after being gone for a month. Originally I went to the first meeting in September, and the one after that was the day Barry was extubated. Then the last one I couldn't make because the boy was sick, and he and I were on Tamiflu. I was disappointed that so many of the regulars were missing today, I guess it's that time of year and so many of us are sick. So my big group thank you will have to wait until next time, the 17th of November. But none the less, it was so good to see some of my friends!

At MOPS today one of the ladies gave me a copy of Barry's obituary. I had to hold back the tears a few times as I sat and read it, over and over. Looking into his eyes in the picture was hard. I loved that picture of him. It was actually one I took of he and my brother this past July, at Fort Langley. We had a great day, and I actually caught him smiling! lol I cropped his face for the obituary.

I miss him. I miss him more than words can say. I'm just so sad! I've been wanting to write down memories, but I haven't had the time to do so. I want to give myself quite a bit of time to do so, because I know it will be very emotional. I can't do it before bed either, because that's just too hard to do.

Today while I was driving home from my MOPS group, I wondered how I could possibly go on without him. How can my life go on without him? I don't want to be without him. I can't imagine my life without him. Yet here I am, and my life doesn't have him in it, living at least. I wish I could be with him, but the kids need me. I so desperately want him back.

I guess I am still feeling that desperation of losing him. It's really a hard feeling to get over, when you have such a tragic loss in your life. It doesn't hit me all the time though, just when it's quiet and my thoughts get the better of me. Those times are when the tears squeeze out of my eyes, when I quietly sob to myself.

I read a blog recently, another woman who lost her husband 4 years ago. She wrote a "Dear Husband" letter just last week. I'm actually thinking of doing something like that too, but in a bit of a different context. I want to write "Dear Barry" letters on important milestones, to tell him what we've been doing, how we're doing, remember memories, ask him questions etc etc. I want to write the first one now, but I am going to wait till the 10th, which will mark the one month anniversary of his death.

One month...so short a time, yet it feels like a lifetime.

Ralph and Frances

Today I FINALLY got to go to Costco! Yaay! I've been waiting a long time to go.

There isn't really much to tell about my trip, to be completely honest. I stocked up on quite a few freezer items. I got pizza, orange chicken, broccoli, frozen chicken thighs, frozen boneless skinless chicken tenders, lots of bread, hash browns and a few other freezer items. Snacks were a plenty in my buggy, I tend to buy a lot of granola bars, crackers etc, because the school is pretty strict on what the kids are eat there (no nut products, nothing sugary or unhealthy. Basically fruit, veggies, crackers, granola bars, that type of thing). Also got some milk, cheese, sandwich meat, canned soup and veggies, rice crackers (YUMMY!!!), some baking supplies, vanilla,trash bags, zip lock freezer bags, the legendary Costco Muffins in Blueberry and Poppy Seed, LOTS of fruit, a rotisserie Chicken for dinner because I didn't feel like making my own, and other random stuff I forgot to write down here. I was in a hurry this morning and not able to make a list, so I winged it. I'm going to plan my menu this week, and go back on Friday when I have more time to shop and concentrate.

One of my favorite finds of the day was an accessory kit for the Wii. I found the boy two Star Wars Light Saber Wii controllers for Christmas. He's going to LOVE them! I'm actually almost done shopping for him. I am waiting on an Amazon order to come in, have one more lego set to get, and a Wii game at Target, and I'm done! I also bought Season 3 of Futurama because that's one of my favorite shows. I wanted to pick some of the other ones up, but the baby wanted that one, so that's the one we got.

You're probably wondering why I titled the post Ralph and Frances. Well, everyone knows Frances was the name given to my freezer, haha. Ralph is because the baby, well, ralphed all over herself and the floor in costco. It was gross. She then proceeded to do it in the van, and on the parking lot outside of the van. I think she just had an over abundance of Halloween candy, and it upset her stomach a bit. She's all better now though, which I am happy about because we have MOPS tomorrow. Thankfully no fever either!

I don't feel inspired to write tonight. The post felt almost forced to me. I just wasn't in a writing mood. Dealing with a busy morning, a puky pre-schooler, busy kids after school, I'm just exhausted. I am planning on writing a "Dear Barry" post this weekend or by the 10th, since it will be 4 weeks on saturday that he passed. Keep an eye out for that, I've already got a good idea in my mind, as to what I want to say.

Almost a Good Weekend

Well we almost made it all weekend without having any problems. Almost.

Until late this afternoon, when we were eating dinner and had a crying fest at the table. All five of us, crying, while we ate our dinner. Me saying that if I could I would do everything in my power to bring back daddy, but that I couldn't no matter how hard I wished for it.

I wish I knew how to make the kids feel better. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could get through to the boy and help him, because he is struggling as he won't share his feelings, and gets angry. I wish I could explain why he died, why he left us, but I can't. I don't have the words to do any of that. I just don't know how to make them feel better.

I wish that our family counseling was starting sooner, but we have to wait till November 12th. Next week. We can wait that long I guess. I really hope it helps the kids, because I just don't have the resources to help them through this. I am trying, but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I think the problem is that as Mommy, I am also having to bear all the responsibility. So that means I am the one who has to handle the day to day stuff, and I can't be sad all the time, I can't grieve every single day, and I can't cry all the time. I wonder if that is having a negative effect on the kids, them not seeing me grieve, but what can I do? I have to be strong for them.

My grieving is done through my blog, through my chats with my friends and siblings and mom. It's in private, and away from the kids most of the time. It's at night when I say goodnight to him, and that I love him, and sometimes cry myself to sleep. It's hard for the baby too though, because if she sees me crying and sad all the time, she is as well. She's very intuitive, and I don't want her to pick up on my emotions.

Being Mommy though has it's disadvantages. And by saying "Mommy", I mean the one who has to be responsible and strong for the kids. Because I have to hide my feelings a lot, I find it sneaks up on me and I feel panicky and anxious at the most random times. I have to tell myself "Yes, he is gone, I love him and miss him, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back". I have to calm myself down and realize that I CAN do this, though I might not want to. I have to tell myself that it's ok to be scared, ok to want to scream because I feel like I'm in the worse nightmare possible, that it's OK to feel everything. And I do want to scream sometimes because I am so very frightened to do this without him. It is/was my worst fear ever to be alone without him, and now I am living the nightmare.

Well, nightmares, crying, sadness, anger, and all that other crap aside, we had fun Trick or Treating last night. Yesterday it rained off and on and I was really worried I'd have to take the kids to a crowded Halloween Party. But the sun prevailed, and we were left with fantastic TOTing weather. The kids filled about 5 of those Halloween Pumpkin buckets worth of candy!! We must have hit a pretty affluent area, because a LOT of the homes gave out full size candy bars. I let the kids have full run of their candy for the first few days or so, just to get it out of their system, and then the interest slowly goes away. They're already getting sick of it! lol

So, here's to a new month. November already! Can you believe it?