At the risk of being totally embarrassed, I guess I just need to get it all out in the open. I have been struggling with my weight for years, yo-yoing up and down. Right now I am the heaviest I have EVER been and I hate it. Just 5 years ago...man that seems like such a LONG time ago, I had lost a ton of weight and I was perfectly happy with the size I was at. Slowly the weight started creeping up, and a year later I had gained it all back plus more. I got pregnant and almost lost all the pregnancy weight...but I gained it all back.
So now, almost three years after I delivered my last child, I have gained all the pregnancy weight back. I hate it. I hate being fat. I hate seeing what I see in the mirror each day. I hate not feeling sexy. I hate not feeling pretty. I hate feeling embarrassed. I hate ill-fitting clothes and shopping at plus size stores. I hate that I have to constantly feel like I am adjusting my clothes to make sure they're hanging right and not emphasizing that tire around my stomach.
I hate that Old Navy only sells their plus size stuff online, so if I want to buy anything, I have to buy it sight-unseen and hope it fits. Lane Bryant plus size clothes are only "ok", I don't care for a lot of them. I only own a few pairs of jeans that fit well, and two are slightly tight. I wear the same style shirts every day, because I go with what looks even slightly slimming.
Most of all, I hate myself. I hate the fact that I just can't control my diet. I see people losing weight so easily and it just pours off them, and that just makes me more depressed. I can exercise and exercise all i want, but I don't lose weight. Because I can't diet.
Honestly though, it's not my eating that is the problem. My normal diet is fine, though I could use more fruits and veggies. I eat moderately during the day. Usually I start off with a bowl of Quaker oatmeal squares, or a banana/yogurt, a glass of milk etc. Today I had homemade bran muffins with a glass of milk. Two small muffins and one glass of milk and I am satisfied. The problem lies within my addiction to sweets. I can't seem to controll my sweet tooth. I am literally addicted to sugar. I eat normally other than that.
This summer we're going to visit my family, and I don't even want anyone to come to the Lake with us because I don't want anyone I know to see me in a bathing suit. Ever wonder why I didn't make more of an effort to go to my highschool reunion? I was too embarrassed.
Being a food addict is AWFUL. Do you know how hard it is be addicted to sugar? It's like a drug. I can't seem to not have sweets in the house. Yet everytime I'm at Wal Mart, or Safeway or Target, and I find myself picking up a bag or two of m&ms, or some mini 3 musketeers candy bars, I get even more depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Fat -> Depressed -> Buy more candy/junk food -> more depressed -> buy more -> eat more. See what I mean? I wish I could go to Fat camp.
I've given myself 1.5 years to lose all the weight. I want to lose it all by my 30th birthday July 2010. But I just can't seem to get moving. I like how I feel when I go to the gym, I feel empowered and proud of myself. Then I come home and have a brownie. I wish there was a magic pill I could take to help me over this. I've thought about lap-band surgery, but that won't help me. Have that surgery won't stop my sugar addiction, I have to over come it myself.
I just don't know how. Monday turns into tuesday, into wednesday and so on. I just need to suck it up and just DO IT.
But how? how do I get over this addiction? Like I said earlier, I just don't know how.