If you haven't been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably don't know how your body reacts to it.
After Barry passed, I ate...but I didn't really eat. I didn't snack, I ate my small meals, I didn't get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me. I've kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but I've managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.
Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but that's all I can stomach. I just don't want to eat. So I drink water.
*disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I don't eat a lot.
For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me. I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand. Food is starting to taste like sand again.
I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears. I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month. I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends. Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.
Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it. Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through. I need this support.
We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait. I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life. I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play. I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg. I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband. I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.
I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life. I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Running!!!
So, I may have mentioned in my last blog post that I was going to take up running. I did day one on September 13th, the day A started Pre-K.
I have kept up with it, and this week started my second week. Day one I completed yesterday. The running was upped 30 seconds each time, so it was a bit of an adjustment. I know I will get used to it though. And I am LOVING it!! I love running.
It exhausts me, it makes me sweat, it makes me breathe heavy, it makes me sore, it makes me want to give up, but I keep plodding away as my feet hit the pavement. It is so hard sometimes to keep pushing myself, to make myself keep going just a little further till I hear that familiar bell on the iPod touch telling me it is time to walk again. But the fact of the matter is, I still do it, and I still push myself.
I have lost 10lbs since I started running. Yes, you read that right, 10 pounds in a week. I haven't changed too much of my eating habits, but I have cut out a lot of sweets. Ok, I take that back, last night I ate a huge king size snickers bar, and at the Mariners game last Friday I pigged out on hot tamales, and had McDonald's for dinner. But seeing as I rarely buy candy bars, I figured it was ok. A treat once in awhile is ok, and as long as I don't keep them in the house, I'm not tempted to eat them.
Yesterday at my MOPS group, one of my good friends Angela commented that she didn't even recognize me. She hasn't seen me since the beginning of june, so I guess I changed even over the summer. WOW!! (Angela was not at the hospital when Barry died, but came to the house that afternoon, and she lives an hour away, and cooked us all dinner, staying for hours along with a few other girlfriends of mine. She helped orchestrate a lot of the meals we got through my MOPS group, helped with food at the funeral etc etc. She was wonderful and I'll forever love her for that).
I am absolutely loving the fact that this weight is pouring off of me. It makes me want to work harder. I was looking at a picture of myself the other day, and I was amazed how different I look compared to a year ago. Perhaps I will share that one day...I look like a completely different person. I was reflecting on that, and thinking how much Barry would just love how I looked right now. He loved me at this size...he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me ;) (now, and years ago when I was this size before I gained all the weight). I wish Barry could enjoy this new body of mine. I do know that he can see me, and is still around though, because I saw an orb hovering over me in a picture I took the other night. It was plain as the nose on my face, just sitting there above my left shoulder.
Speaking of seeing the orbs...I really am not so sure how I feel about that. It makes me so happy to know that he is still around, and gives me a sense of comfort knowing he is watching over us. But on the other hand, it makes me sad. That being because he is STILL here, and I can't see, feel, or hear him. Am I supposed to be content knowing that he is? I wonder if he is shaking his head at me, all this new stuff I am doing, all the new experiences we are having. Would he be happy I bought the house? Bought a new 2011 Honda Pilot? He'd probably tell me to stop sitting around and "go clean his house" lol. Either way, I guess it is a big comfort knowing he is sticking around. He always did say he would come back to haunt me. And that he did, but in a good way. Just wait, I'll now have some really creepy experience to blog about soon because I jinxed myself haha.
Two weeks from today, I will be in Florida. We leave in 13 days!!! So with that, I say goodbye today, because I have a million things to do. No running today, as my shins are a bit sore and I don't want to over-do it (I'll probably hit the elliptical later). Errands, errands and more errands today. Plus...I NEED to start packing.
I am sure you're all wondering...yes, I am taking the lap top with me to Florida. I've figured out how to tether my blackberry to my laptop so I will have internet access to blog. Speaking of that...tell me WHY in 2010 do hotels not have WiFi? Especially at Disney World? WHY????????
I have kept up with it, and this week started my second week. Day one I completed yesterday. The running was upped 30 seconds each time, so it was a bit of an adjustment. I know I will get used to it though. And I am LOVING it!! I love running.
It exhausts me, it makes me sweat, it makes me breathe heavy, it makes me sore, it makes me want to give up, but I keep plodding away as my feet hit the pavement. It is so hard sometimes to keep pushing myself, to make myself keep going just a little further till I hear that familiar bell on the iPod touch telling me it is time to walk again. But the fact of the matter is, I still do it, and I still push myself.
I have lost 10lbs since I started running. Yes, you read that right, 10 pounds in a week. I haven't changed too much of my eating habits, but I have cut out a lot of sweets. Ok, I take that back, last night I ate a huge king size snickers bar, and at the Mariners game last Friday I pigged out on hot tamales, and had McDonald's for dinner. But seeing as I rarely buy candy bars, I figured it was ok. A treat once in awhile is ok, and as long as I don't keep them in the house, I'm not tempted to eat them.
Yesterday at my MOPS group, one of my good friends Angela commented that she didn't even recognize me. She hasn't seen me since the beginning of june, so I guess I changed even over the summer. WOW!! (Angela was not at the hospital when Barry died, but came to the house that afternoon, and she lives an hour away, and cooked us all dinner, staying for hours along with a few other girlfriends of mine. She helped orchestrate a lot of the meals we got through my MOPS group, helped with food at the funeral etc etc. She was wonderful and I'll forever love her for that).
I am absolutely loving the fact that this weight is pouring off of me. It makes me want to work harder. I was looking at a picture of myself the other day, and I was amazed how different I look compared to a year ago. Perhaps I will share that one day...I look like a completely different person. I was reflecting on that, and thinking how much Barry would just love how I looked right now. He loved me at this size...he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me ;) (now, and years ago when I was this size before I gained all the weight). I wish Barry could enjoy this new body of mine. I do know that he can see me, and is still around though, because I saw an orb hovering over me in a picture I took the other night. It was plain as the nose on my face, just sitting there above my left shoulder.
Speaking of seeing the orbs...I really am not so sure how I feel about that. It makes me so happy to know that he is still around, and gives me a sense of comfort knowing he is watching over us. But on the other hand, it makes me sad. That being because he is STILL here, and I can't see, feel, or hear him. Am I supposed to be content knowing that he is? I wonder if he is shaking his head at me, all this new stuff I am doing, all the new experiences we are having. Would he be happy I bought the house? Bought a new 2011 Honda Pilot? He'd probably tell me to stop sitting around and "go clean his house" lol. Either way, I guess it is a big comfort knowing he is sticking around. He always did say he would come back to haunt me. And that he did, but in a good way. Just wait, I'll now have some really creepy experience to blog about soon because I jinxed myself haha.
Two weeks from today, I will be in Florida. We leave in 13 days!!! So with that, I say goodbye today, because I have a million things to do. No running today, as my shins are a bit sore and I don't want to over-do it (I'll probably hit the elliptical later). Errands, errands and more errands today. Plus...I NEED to start packing.
I am sure you're all wondering...yes, I am taking the lap top with me to Florida. I've figured out how to tether my blackberry to my laptop so I will have internet access to blog. Speaking of that...tell me WHY in 2010 do hotels not have WiFi? Especially at Disney World? WHY????????
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Post 700!!!
Well, I couldn't really think of a better title than that. I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!
I've been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I don't know, I don't really feel like writing". But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".
I'm doing a bit better since my last post, but I'm still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation. It has passed for the most part. I still haven't called the counselor. Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately. You'll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post. I did not want to post. I didn't want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months. I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already. How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time. He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks. You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him. I was scared for him. I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was afraid he would die, and I told him that. I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought. He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, my intuition was right.
Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school. Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school. So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends. They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school. We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).
Yesterday was A's first day of pre-k. She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school. Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what I've seen so far. I'm very happy with the school I chose. She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge. She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left. I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.
We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier. Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do. Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone. Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact. We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.
My big news is that I started running. I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release. I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement. About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program. I don't know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program. The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds. I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up. I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me. I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and I'm already looking forward to it. I'll have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking we'll be doing I'm sure we'll be ok.
Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited. The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and I've started to get us ready. I'll probably start packing soon too. Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pet's stuff ready for the kennel. I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there. I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre
On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them. Does anyone have any other good ideas?
Well, it is time to get my day started. I'll try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if I'm not writing enough.
I've been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I don't know, I don't really feel like writing". But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".
I'm doing a bit better since my last post, but I'm still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation. It has passed for the most part. I still haven't called the counselor. Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately. You'll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post. I did not want to post. I didn't want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months. I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already. How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time. He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks. You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him. I was scared for him. I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was afraid he would die, and I told him that. I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought. He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, my intuition was right.
Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school. Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school. So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends. They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school. We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).
Yesterday was A's first day of pre-k. She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school. Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what I've seen so far. I'm very happy with the school I chose. She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge. She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left. I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.
We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier. Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do. Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone. Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact. We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.
My big news is that I started running. I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release. I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement. About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program. I don't know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program. The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds. I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up. I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me. I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and I'm already looking forward to it. I'll have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking we'll be doing I'm sure we'll be ok.
Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited. The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and I've started to get us ready. I'll probably start packing soon too. Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pet's stuff ready for the kennel. I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there. I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre
On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them. Does anyone have any other good ideas?
Well, it is time to get my day started. I'll try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if I'm not writing enough.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Angry, Bitter, Pissed Off, Weepy, Jealous, Infuriated
That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.
I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind. I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.
This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.
The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together. And especially at women who take their husbands for granted. And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me. I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle. I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile. I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.
I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together. We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves. But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much. And I was ANGRY. and JEALOUS. I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together. It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true. I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.
As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy. It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak. We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside. And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying. Thankfully the kids were outside for that. I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face. And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.
I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy. I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand). I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later. I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess. As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again. At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen. again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company. My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit. I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara. Yes, three coats. That's a hell of a lot of crying you know. And today I feel much better. I needed that release. The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind. To forget, and just go about my daily life. I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did. It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.
I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated. But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor. I was not ready before, but I am now. I am ready to talk to someone. I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one year mark....wow really? One year. That amazes me.
PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party. Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party. Barry was home. The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool. After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch. That's all I remember about this day last year. He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work. That was one of his last times at home. I miss him so much.
I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind. I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.
This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.
The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together. And especially at women who take their husbands for granted. And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me. I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle. I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile. I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.
I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together. We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves. But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much. And I was ANGRY. and JEALOUS. I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together. It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true. I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.
As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy. It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak. We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside. And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying. Thankfully the kids were outside for that. I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face. And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.
I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy. I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand). I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later. I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess. As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again. At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen. again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company. My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit. I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara. Yes, three coats. That's a hell of a lot of crying you know. And today I feel much better. I needed that release. The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind. To forget, and just go about my daily life. I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did. It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.
I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated. But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor. I was not ready before, but I am now. I am ready to talk to someone. I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one year mark....wow really? One year. That amazes me.
PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party. Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party. Barry was home. The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool. After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch. That's all I remember about this day last year. He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work. That was one of his last times at home. I miss him so much.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Eleven Years Ago Today
This week has been pretty hard. Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. I'm not quite sure where I am this week, don't know how to classify how I'm feeling, but it hasn't been an easy week.
Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barry's t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who don't know. I've never washed it, and I don't think I ever will.
I've also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. I've been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone. Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now. I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed. Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.
11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me! At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army. I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA. We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.
I don't remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day. I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal. I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months. And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him. Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail. But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.
As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barry's ferry to arrive. I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road. And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him. That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met. We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.
We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together. Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel. We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadn't proposed to me yet. He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day. We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official. So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him. I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.
Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha). And then he asked me to marry him. And i said yes.
We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together. And then we both went back to our lives, he to Germany, and I to Edmonton. And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany. The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person. Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together in person before we were married.
The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life. I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day! Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.
Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barry's t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who don't know. I've never washed it, and I don't think I ever will.
I've also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. I've been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone. Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now. I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed. Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.
11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me! At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army. I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA. We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.
I don't remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day. I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal. I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months. And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him. Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail. But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.
As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barry's ferry to arrive. I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road. And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him. That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met. We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.
We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together. Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel. We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadn't proposed to me yet. He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day. We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official. So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him. I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.
Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha). And then he asked me to marry him. And i said yes.
We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together. And then we both went back to our lives, he to Germany, and I to Edmonton. And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany. The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person. Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together in person before we were married.
The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life. I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day! Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Always Close To My Heart
I wanted to share about a pendant I had made this week.
Back in January, a lady in my Grief Works group showed me one she had made, and I fell in love with it. I wrote down the name of the shop, with all the best intentions to go there and have one made too, but kept forgetting about it. Occasionally I would happen upon the paper that had the shop name on it, but then it would slip my mind again, and I'd go about my life forgetting about it.
This week, all four children have had half day camp at our local children's museum, which is downtown in our city. Monday morning after I had a coffee date with one of my twitter friends, I decided to explore for the last hour that I had before having to pick up the children. I wandered down the street, and saw this cute shop I wanted to look in. I fell in love with the items in there, and picked out a few things to purchase for Christmas gifts. Then out of the corner of my eye, I happened to see a pendant.
I gasped, and asked the owner if this was the store I thought it was. He replied yes, and I started to cry a little as I explained to him what had happened. It was fate that I walked into that store on Monday, and I was just so happy that I had finally found it and could get my pendant made.
I picked it up yesterday morning after the kids were done camp. I opened the box slowly, peeled back the tissue paper, and gasped as I saw the pendant laying there on the cotton padding.
Back in January, a lady in my Grief Works group showed me one she had made, and I fell in love with it. I wrote down the name of the shop, with all the best intentions to go there and have one made too, but kept forgetting about it. Occasionally I would happen upon the paper that had the shop name on it, but then it would slip my mind again, and I'd go about my life forgetting about it.
This week, all four children have had half day camp at our local children's museum, which is downtown in our city. Monday morning after I had a coffee date with one of my twitter friends, I decided to explore for the last hour that I had before having to pick up the children. I wandered down the street, and saw this cute shop I wanted to look in. I fell in love with the items in there, and picked out a few things to purchase for Christmas gifts. Then out of the corner of my eye, I happened to see a pendant.
I gasped, and asked the owner if this was the store I thought it was. He replied yes, and I started to cry a little as I explained to him what had happened. It was fate that I walked into that store on Monday, and I was just so happy that I had finally found it and could get my pendant made.
I picked it up yesterday morning after the kids were done camp. I opened the box slowly, peeled back the tissue paper, and gasped as I saw the pendant laying there on the cotton padding.
Isn't it just gorgeous?
I remarked to the owner that it was just beautiful. I absolutely LOVE it. The inside circle is about the size of a quarter. The color is cobalt blue, and its made out of hand blown Pyrex glass. Its shaped like a bowl, so it's not flat on the bottom. The back has a star burst design of white, blue and red colors, so the pendant is versatile and can be worn both ways.
The reason I wanted to write about the pendant is because it is very special to me. Do you see those silver swirls inside? Do you know what those are?
They are a small portion of Barry's ashes.
What makes these pendants so special is that the artist (coincidentally he is also the owner) has developed a special technique for being able to put these in the pendant as he blows the glass and shapes it. It is not advertised, only done by word of mouth, and he makes them a priority, which is how I had it back within one day.
Monday night, I had the very humbling task of putting some of Barry's ashes into a little vial that was provided by the artist. I was somewhat scared to do that, but it turned out to be OK. I opened up the bag of extra ashes I had, shook it around a bit to separate the bits of bones and ash, and scooped them into the vial as best as I could. My finger tips were covered in ash, as I held Barry in my hands again. The first time I touched him since I said goodbye to his dead body in the hospital.
I cried a little as I put the ashes into the vial. And then glanced at my finger tips and wondered to myself , "I have Barry's ashes on my hands, what do I do now? Do I wash my hands, do I rub them off on my clothes, what do I do? But I did wash them. I washed his ashes off my hands, and down the drain they went amidst a cascade of soap and water.
Just the act of touching the ashes was extremely humbling. But the reality is, those ashes aren't him. They are his physical body, but not his essence. It represents him, but it is not how we remember him. Our memories are how we keep him close to us, and not by keeping the ashes around. However, I can always hold him close to my heart now as I wear this pendant.
I love it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Guess I Should Post Today
Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.
I don't remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly. It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work. I'm sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.
Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry. Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it. We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April. We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.
On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek. I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought we'd show the house and where we used to live. I haven't driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned. Abandoned. The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere. The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it. We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess. This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us. Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.
The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it. I'm sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I won't be. It's not worth it because we've closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive. Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen. I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.
I don't have much else to write. I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didn't even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning. I can't believe I forgot.
P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d. I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot. I'm absolutely in LOVE with it. It's fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage. I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)
I don't remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly. It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work. I'm sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.
Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry. Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it. We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April. We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.
On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek. I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought we'd show the house and where we used to live. I haven't driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned. Abandoned. The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere. The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it. We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess. This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us. Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.
The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it. I'm sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I won't be. It's not worth it because we've closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive. Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen. I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.
I don't have much else to write. I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didn't even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning. I can't believe I forgot.
P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d. I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot. I'm absolutely in LOVE with it. It's fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage. I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Dear Barry
Dearest Barry,
Hi baby. I haven't written you in a long time, and I feel this intense urge to do so today. I should have done it last night, but I was so tired from our day in Seattle, that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think if I had, I would be feeling much better right now rather than having woken up in a funky mood.
While we were in Seattle all day, I saw so many things that reminded me of you. I was with a friend and the kids, and I had trouble holding back the tears on the way home. I just couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself. We were at this one shop, and guess what I found???? A decal (well, a metal one) of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!! I just laughed and laughed at that one, and bought it! I'm going to put it on the new car (more about that in a bit). I just love it, but when I was looking at it, and buying it, I was desperately wanting to tell you about it. Sometimes I have these moments where I just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you something about my day, or something funny that you and I would get. I know you would get a kick out of that. I wonder what people will think when they see it on the van. I also went to your favorite German store there, the Bavarian Delicatessen in the market. The last time I was there was with you...and oh I missed you walking into there. I picked up some Waffeln (ALL MINE mwuhahahaha) and some Pfefferminz Ritter Sport, because those were what you sent me back when we were engaged. I saw the curry ketchup you liked, and almost bought it, but didn't, because you always liked it more than I. I got some amazing Rye bread too, that you would have loved, and had it this morning toasted with some cheese. I almost bought some pumpernickel, but passed on that. It all reminded me of when we'd go to Aldi in Mainz, and get the bread, cheese, all that wonderful food we'd have in our apartment.
Friday I turned 30. I missed you that day. I missed my giant birthday cake. I really really missed you honey. Maegen and Katie were here, and we went out for an awesome dinner, and then went to some bars downtown. Me in a bar? Can you believe it? I drank, and had fun, and danced. It was a great way to ring in my 30s. My 20s were with you, but what will my 30s bring?
I'm buying a new vehicle. After you died, and the van was paid off b/c we were wise to get life insurance on it, things started going wrong with it. And now the struts need replaced...and only on one side, but that's $500 right there. Plus the "intake manifold gasket" needs replaced as well, and I just don't feel like shelling out $1200 just for repairs. I've put so much money into it the last 7 months and I'm TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore. Jesse (my mechanic at Midas) told me that its getting to the point where Fords become money pits, and the van has almost 100K miles on it. I need something practical for the kids and I that wont break down so much, or give me a fear of it breaking down, and I will be going the SUV way. I'm not doing the "swagger waggon" thing anymore haha. I'm not sure yet if I will trade it in, or sell it outright, but I should get a fair amount for it because it has brand new tires and brand new brakes. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting something new, and I am pretty excited about it!!!
Honestly, it kind of boggles my mind to have all this new stuff. New house, new body, new clothes, new car, new everything. It's surreal to have all this without you here. I know you'd be happy for me, and hopefully you trust my judgement enough to know I am doing what I feel is best for the kids and I. I'm doing as best as I can without you darling, but it is so hard.
Next week the kids and I are headed up to BC for our annual trip to BC. This time without you. I'm so happy you were able to go last year with us, and we have those memories of our trip to Canada. It won't be the same without you Barry, but I suppose we have to get used to it because you won't ever be coming back. Now I'm going to have to go to Karl's and get stroop waffles without you, and not share the droopjies with you, and all that other stuff we loved doing. I miss you so much Barry, I would give anything to have you here with us.
Well, the sun is shining and I need to do some weeding outside before the garden is overrun. I'll talk to you soon darling. I love you!
Love,
Me
xoxoxoxp
Hi baby. I haven't written you in a long time, and I feel this intense urge to do so today. I should have done it last night, but I was so tired from our day in Seattle, that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think if I had, I would be feeling much better right now rather than having woken up in a funky mood.
While we were in Seattle all day, I saw so many things that reminded me of you. I was with a friend and the kids, and I had trouble holding back the tears on the way home. I just couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself. We were at this one shop, and guess what I found???? A decal (well, a metal one) of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!! I just laughed and laughed at that one, and bought it! I'm going to put it on the new car (more about that in a bit). I just love it, but when I was looking at it, and buying it, I was desperately wanting to tell you about it. Sometimes I have these moments where I just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you something about my day, or something funny that you and I would get. I know you would get a kick out of that. I wonder what people will think when they see it on the van. I also went to your favorite German store there, the Bavarian Delicatessen in the market. The last time I was there was with you...and oh I missed you walking into there. I picked up some Waffeln (ALL MINE mwuhahahaha) and some Pfefferminz Ritter Sport, because those were what you sent me back when we were engaged. I saw the curry ketchup you liked, and almost bought it, but didn't, because you always liked it more than I. I got some amazing Rye bread too, that you would have loved, and had it this morning toasted with some cheese. I almost bought some pumpernickel, but passed on that. It all reminded me of when we'd go to Aldi in Mainz, and get the bread, cheese, all that wonderful food we'd have in our apartment.
Friday I turned 30. I missed you that day. I missed my giant birthday cake. I really really missed you honey. Maegen and Katie were here, and we went out for an awesome dinner, and then went to some bars downtown. Me in a bar? Can you believe it? I drank, and had fun, and danced. It was a great way to ring in my 30s. My 20s were with you, but what will my 30s bring?
I'm buying a new vehicle. After you died, and the van was paid off b/c we were wise to get life insurance on it, things started going wrong with it. And now the struts need replaced...and only on one side, but that's $500 right there. Plus the "intake manifold gasket" needs replaced as well, and I just don't feel like shelling out $1200 just for repairs. I've put so much money into it the last 7 months and I'm TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore. Jesse (my mechanic at Midas) told me that its getting to the point where Fords become money pits, and the van has almost 100K miles on it. I need something practical for the kids and I that wont break down so much, or give me a fear of it breaking down, and I will be going the SUV way. I'm not doing the "swagger waggon" thing anymore haha. I'm not sure yet if I will trade it in, or sell it outright, but I should get a fair amount for it because it has brand new tires and brand new brakes. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting something new, and I am pretty excited about it!!!
Honestly, it kind of boggles my mind to have all this new stuff. New house, new body, new clothes, new car, new everything. It's surreal to have all this without you here. I know you'd be happy for me, and hopefully you trust my judgement enough to know I am doing what I feel is best for the kids and I. I'm doing as best as I can without you darling, but it is so hard.
Next week the kids and I are headed up to BC for our annual trip to BC. This time without you. I'm so happy you were able to go last year with us, and we have those memories of our trip to Canada. It won't be the same without you Barry, but I suppose we have to get used to it because you won't ever be coming back. Now I'm going to have to go to Karl's and get stroop waffles without you, and not share the droopjies with you, and all that other stuff we loved doing. I miss you so much Barry, I would give anything to have you here with us.
Well, the sun is shining and I need to do some weeding outside before the garden is overrun. I'll talk to you soon darling. I love you!
Love,
Me
xoxoxoxp
Friday, July 16, 2010
Happy Birthday To Me!!!
I'm 30 Today!!! An Old Maid if you want to refer to me as that! LOL
I don't want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me. I'm on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.
I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really don't want to delve into all those emotions again today. But what I do want to do is post my birthday song. This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry. Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I don't even want to have to re-write it.
I don't want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me. I'm on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.
I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really don't want to delve into all those emotions again today. But what I do want to do is post my birthday song. This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry. Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I don't even want to have to re-write it.
My Birthday Song courtesy of Barry. Last year we were on our way to BC on my 29th Birthday, and had to stop at the bank to take out some cash on our way there. I was PISSED at him b/c I thought I had forgotten my makeup bag at the house and he wouldn't let me go back to the house to get it (even though we were less than 10 min away). He told me to just buy new makeup when we got to Canada, and of course I was NOT happy b/c I wanted my own stuff. We got to the bank, and even though he had told me not to dig through the suitcases, I waited for him to go inside, and then tore through them looking for my makeup bag. I found it, but never told him. I pretended to be mad still when he got back to the van from being inside. When we were pulling out of the bank parking lot, he looks at me...puts this song on and starts singing and making fun. I couldn't help but not be mad anymore. That was his way, he always tried to make me laugh. And now I have this awesome memory of him on my last bday with him
Dearest Barry, thank you for making that birthday so incredibly special, even though you never knew it would be my last birthday with you. I will always have special memories of that day, and thank you for giving me that lasting gift. I miss you, and will always love you more than words can express. You'll always be my Sexy Man ;)
Love forever,
me xoxoxp
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Comparing Today to Last Year
Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s. Without Barry.
Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day. Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set. I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside. He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.
And today, life is so incredibly different. I'm a single mom. I'm on my very last day of being 29. I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. I've got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol I'm sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because I'm going to have company all weekend. Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.
One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day. I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically. Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania. RIGHT NOW I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why I'm having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband. Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead. Really? he's DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesn't seem possible. I can't accept it, and I don't think I ever will. I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died. It's just not fair, it's not supposed to happen. I don't understand why he is dead. Why is he dead?
To sum up the last 10 years, I still don't think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago. On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany. Life has changed so much in ten years, I can't even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me. In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house. Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children. Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasn't real, that I wasn't a widow. That I was too young to be a widow. And I became a single mom. A widow.
I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier. I've heard that the 30s are better than the 20s. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve. Now I'm not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be? I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it. In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author. I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams. I hope the next 10 years are good. But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.
**********
Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping. Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes. I'll try write about that tomorrow.
Happy Birthday To Me!
Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day. Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set. I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside. He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.
And today, life is so incredibly different. I'm a single mom. I'm on my very last day of being 29. I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. I've got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol I'm sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because I'm going to have company all weekend. Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.
One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day. I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically. Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania. RIGHT NOW I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why I'm having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband. Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead. Really? he's DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesn't seem possible. I can't accept it, and I don't think I ever will. I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died. It's just not fair, it's not supposed to happen. I don't understand why he is dead. Why is he dead?
To sum up the last 10 years, I still don't think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago. On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany. Life has changed so much in ten years, I can't even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me. In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house. Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children. Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasn't real, that I wasn't a widow. That I was too young to be a widow. And I became a single mom. A widow.
I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier. I've heard that the 30s are better than the 20s. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve. Now I'm not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be? I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it. In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author. I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams. I hope the next 10 years are good. But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.
**********
Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping. Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes. I'll try write about that tomorrow.
Happy Birthday To Me!
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