I've been a Stay At Home Mom for 9 years now! 9 long years!!!
The last paying job I had was working for AAFES, and I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the ARMY. So, I was a stay at home mom from the time I was 7 months pregnant with the twins till present time.
These last 9 years I have been a Wife and all that entails, Mommy, Homemaker, Housekeeper, Nurse, Doctor, Hairdresser, Lawn Mower, Garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper, everything.
I am now everything but the Wife.
And I feel lost, confused, bored...everything.
Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started 1st grade, which is in 3 years. But honestly, I don't know that I can wait that long. I might have to though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. It's a conundrum.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bored. I don't think there has been one day since the family left that we haven't gone out and done something. Either we're running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends' houses, or going on field trips with my Meet UP group. The thing is, this IS my life, this HAS been my life for the last 9 years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it?
I feel like I am a contradiction. How can I be a stay at home mom if I don't have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but he's been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build A Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died.
Anyway, I just don't see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay at home mom, I don't have to work if I don't want to, but I am bored and uninspired. I've thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I don't want to do that till the baby is in school either. I can't take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on, I have a brand new sewing machine sitting on my hope chest that I haven't opened yet and I've had for 3 weeks. I could always sew, but right now I just don't feel like it. Maybe in a week or two. I've got two years of scrap booking to catch up on too. I am however, going to get my YMCA membership back, I think working out again in the mornings will really help me out, and waste some time as well. I've been feeling the need to let the elliptical trainer kick my ass again.
What suggestions can you readers give me on how to occupy myself other than crafting and sewing? Do you think I should get a job, or should I be here for the kids? And what the heck am I going to do next year once the baby starts Pre-K? I'll be bored out of my mind.
It's almost like I need another man to take care of*....
*maybe one day*
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
When?
I was pondering a few things this morning, most of them beginning with the word "When?"
When do I pack away his stuff?
I do know there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I simply do it when I feel ready. I did have to clean out his truck two weeks ago, and the house was inundated with his belongings. Most of it I have incorporated into the house, like the food he left behind, and his can opener went in the kitchen. I've taken over his computers, but do I really need 1 PC (mine), his lap top and his Eee PC? I have an extra BlackBerry Tour now, because we both got new phones in August. I also have his iPhone that he cancelled service with in August. I'll probably sell that one. The BlackBerry I'll keep because I have a BAD history with phones, and this one will be backup for me.
But what about his clothes? His blankets we will keep, and his foamy egg shell bed thingies I have in the boy's room to put on the kids' beds as soon as I remember to do so. I sleep with his pillow between my knees each night, and the last T-shirt he wore is folded up under my pillow.
When I packed up his truck, all the clean and dirty clothes were separated into different bags, but all stuffed into his big green ARMY duffel bag. They're still in there, sitting in a corner in my room. I haven't opened them in two weeks. I just don't want to deal with it.
All the stuff I had at the hospital for him is still in the bags. The last pair of shorts he wore, the book he was going to read, the chest hair I clipped off his chest after he died, the handful of crumpled up tissues I had when I was crying and saying goodbye, the body wipes he had used to wipe his face off before he died. Little things like that, I just have in the hospital bag. I looked at them this morning, but I haven't done that in a LONG time. I don't know what to do with them, do I keep them in the bag, or do I get rid of what I just want to keep? Do I really need to keep the tissues?
What about all the electronics? his DVDs? I'll be calling XM soon and cancelling one subscription, and keeping the other. I'm going to switch out our radios because his was the better one. But the other stuff...man, I have 3 blue tooth headsets, countless USB cables, XM antennas, adapter kids for the XM and iPhone/iTouch etc etc. I don't want to keep all that stuff laying around because it is clutter, but it was his.
I thought perhaps I should just go through it all, figure out what I can USE, and what I want to KEEP, and get rid of the rest. But not now, I'm not ready for it.
I do need to do it soon though, because my room is overrun with his belongings. Even his fridge is in there because there was nowhere else to put it, as is the power inverter he had too. There's so much stuff!
When do I stop blogging about him?
Again, I don't know the answer to this one. Honestly, I don't know if I can write about him every single day. It's so hard! It's emotionally exhausting because I think about him all the time. I know you all want to hear about it, but ugh! I don't know how to express myself all the time, every single day, in many different ways. How often do you want to hear how sad I am? Doesn't it get tiring?
I wish I had happy events to write about, that this weren't happening. He's been dead for almost 3 weeks, and I have not missed a day of blogging about him, and how we're doing. When is it time to move on from him? or just blogging about him?
Do you want good news? I'm making new friends. Yaay Me! That was meant to be sarcastic, if you didn't get that. In all seriousness though, R and C have been fantastic to talk to because they both have been in the same situation as me. I appreciate them so much! R you know you have helped totally distract me ;o) And that is a nice break from the usual day to day thing. And C, has helped me to grieve and just be sad and cry late at night. It's so nice to make new friends, but how desperately I wish it were under other circumstances. However, then we wouldn't have H.C.J. to talk about...hehehe
Enough with the code speak though. Please let me know if you are tired of me blogging about grief. Do you think I should write about other stuff? Or is my writing about grief so good that you want to come back for more? ;o)
Please give me some input, because I'm floundering, and not quite sure where to go from here.
Perhaps on Monday I shall talk about my trip to Costco to fill up Frances (the name my freezer was given, lol).
When do I pack away his stuff?
I do know there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I simply do it when I feel ready. I did have to clean out his truck two weeks ago, and the house was inundated with his belongings. Most of it I have incorporated into the house, like the food he left behind, and his can opener went in the kitchen. I've taken over his computers, but do I really need 1 PC (mine), his lap top and his Eee PC? I have an extra BlackBerry Tour now, because we both got new phones in August. I also have his iPhone that he cancelled service with in August. I'll probably sell that one. The BlackBerry I'll keep because I have a BAD history with phones, and this one will be backup for me.
But what about his clothes? His blankets we will keep, and his foamy egg shell bed thingies I have in the boy's room to put on the kids' beds as soon as I remember to do so. I sleep with his pillow between my knees each night, and the last T-shirt he wore is folded up under my pillow.
When I packed up his truck, all the clean and dirty clothes were separated into different bags, but all stuffed into his big green ARMY duffel bag. They're still in there, sitting in a corner in my room. I haven't opened them in two weeks. I just don't want to deal with it.
All the stuff I had at the hospital for him is still in the bags. The last pair of shorts he wore, the book he was going to read, the chest hair I clipped off his chest after he died, the handful of crumpled up tissues I had when I was crying and saying goodbye, the body wipes he had used to wipe his face off before he died. Little things like that, I just have in the hospital bag. I looked at them this morning, but I haven't done that in a LONG time. I don't know what to do with them, do I keep them in the bag, or do I get rid of what I just want to keep? Do I really need to keep the tissues?
What about all the electronics? his DVDs? I'll be calling XM soon and cancelling one subscription, and keeping the other. I'm going to switch out our radios because his was the better one. But the other stuff...man, I have 3 blue tooth headsets, countless USB cables, XM antennas, adapter kids for the XM and iPhone/iTouch etc etc. I don't want to keep all that stuff laying around because it is clutter, but it was his.
I thought perhaps I should just go through it all, figure out what I can USE, and what I want to KEEP, and get rid of the rest. But not now, I'm not ready for it.
I do need to do it soon though, because my room is overrun with his belongings. Even his fridge is in there because there was nowhere else to put it, as is the power inverter he had too. There's so much stuff!
When do I stop blogging about him?
Again, I don't know the answer to this one. Honestly, I don't know if I can write about him every single day. It's so hard! It's emotionally exhausting because I think about him all the time. I know you all want to hear about it, but ugh! I don't know how to express myself all the time, every single day, in many different ways. How often do you want to hear how sad I am? Doesn't it get tiring?
I wish I had happy events to write about, that this weren't happening. He's been dead for almost 3 weeks, and I have not missed a day of blogging about him, and how we're doing. When is it time to move on from him? or just blogging about him?
Do you want good news? I'm making new friends. Yaay Me! That was meant to be sarcastic, if you didn't get that. In all seriousness though, R and C have been fantastic to talk to because they both have been in the same situation as me. I appreciate them so much! R you know you have helped totally distract me ;o) And that is a nice break from the usual day to day thing. And C, has helped me to grieve and just be sad and cry late at night. It's so nice to make new friends, but how desperately I wish it were under other circumstances. However, then we wouldn't have H.C.J. to talk about...hehehe
Enough with the code speak though. Please let me know if you are tired of me blogging about grief. Do you think I should write about other stuff? Or is my writing about grief so good that you want to come back for more? ;o)
Please give me some input, because I'm floundering, and not quite sure where to go from here.
Perhaps on Monday I shall talk about my trip to Costco to fill up Frances (the name my freezer was given, lol).
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Today is a Good Day
I feel good today! I hope the mood sticks because I've needed a positive day for awhile.
I went to library story time today with my youngest, and saw a friend there from the kids' school. She helped orchestrate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk to her. Plus, story time was fun for the "baby", and it felt great to get out of the house and back into one of our routines.
Got home and my freezer was delivered. Not a big deal to some, but I have wanted a freezer for ages. I am so happy I bought one yesterday. I got a Frigidaire 9 Cf for only $250! Brand new from Lowes. I've put some food from my fridge freezer in there, but I am anxiously awaiting my trip to Costco on Monday. I want to stock it ;o) I'm going to do an inventory list as well, just have to find a good one on the internets.
Tomorrow we are going to a Trunk or Treat with a family from the kids' school that invited us, and then Trick or Treating on Saturday. We have a nice full weekend planned.
Yesterday was also the day of phone calls. Two in particular with some new friends. I had a great time talking and laughing. Thank you to R and C ;o) You guys have been such a help to me, and I really appreciate it.
This doesn't make me happy, but I've been wondering why I haven't been dreaming about Barry. Not once. It's been 3 weeks almost! I thought I would have dreamed about him by now. Maybe I will once I really need it? I don't know, but it is a bit disheartening not to have those "nighttime dates". I wish I could dream about him. It's hard to believe it has been almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by since he last came home almost 4 weeks ago. It's amazing to think how much our lives changed just in the span of a week, or even a day.
I am thankful that today has been a good day so far.
I went to library story time today with my youngest, and saw a friend there from the kids' school. She helped orchestrate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk to her. Plus, story time was fun for the "baby", and it felt great to get out of the house and back into one of our routines.
Got home and my freezer was delivered. Not a big deal to some, but I have wanted a freezer for ages. I am so happy I bought one yesterday. I got a Frigidaire 9 Cf for only $250! Brand new from Lowes. I've put some food from my fridge freezer in there, but I am anxiously awaiting my trip to Costco on Monday. I want to stock it ;o) I'm going to do an inventory list as well, just have to find a good one on the internets.
Tomorrow we are going to a Trunk or Treat with a family from the kids' school that invited us, and then Trick or Treating on Saturday. We have a nice full weekend planned.
Yesterday was also the day of phone calls. Two in particular with some new friends. I had a great time talking and laughing. Thank you to R and C ;o) You guys have been such a help to me, and I really appreciate it.
This doesn't make me happy, but I've been wondering why I haven't been dreaming about Barry. Not once. It's been 3 weeks almost! I thought I would have dreamed about him by now. Maybe I will once I really need it? I don't know, but it is a bit disheartening not to have those "nighttime dates". I wish I could dream about him. It's hard to believe it has been almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by since he last came home almost 4 weeks ago. It's amazing to think how much our lives changed just in the span of a week, or even a day.
I am thankful that today has been a good day so far.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
More Questions
I realized yesterday after I had written this post that I forgot many of the other questions I have been thinking of.
Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it's just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. It's hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.
To quote my husband:
One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just can't share that right now. I'm not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I don't think I have told anyone that. I've kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.
I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but I'll never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him it's ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That I'll always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.
And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but that's going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and don't care to get into it right now.
Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I don't want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I haven't a clue on how to do...my brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I don't know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. I'll have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I haven't the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, who's going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).
I'm the one who's going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. I'm going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. I'm going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. I'm the one who's going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And I'm the one who's going to grow old without the love of my life.
Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just don't want to! I don't want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDN'T YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"
So I'm not sure if I am angry, I don't feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.
I just want him back.
Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it's just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. It's hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.
To quote my husband:
"I think people fear death because it's an inconceivable state of existence. Dying is something we all must do, but nobody can sit around and really explain what it's like. Before the day of your birth, you can't possibly know, from a first-hand account, what life on this planet was like. Sure, you can read about it and even watch movies and listen to music made before your birth, but you have no real recollection of what it was like to exist back then. Death will probably end up the same way. The problem is that we can't seem to reconcile with that idea. We just can't wrap our heads around the fact that, after we die, things will continue on without us."
One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just can't share that right now. I'm not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I don't think I have told anyone that. I've kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.
I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but I'll never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him it's ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That I'll always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.
And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but that's going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and don't care to get into it right now.
Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I don't want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I haven't a clue on how to do...my brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I don't know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. I'll have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I haven't the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, who's going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).
I'm the one who's going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. I'm going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. I'm going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. I'm the one who's going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And I'm the one who's going to grow old without the love of my life.
Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just don't want to! I don't want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDN'T YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"
So I'm not sure if I am angry, I don't feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.
I just want him back.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Questions
What I have really been pondering since Barry died is WHY and HOW.
I look at his pictures, and I can't fathom why and how. Why did he die? How did one person that loved life so much just die that quickly?
How does that happen? I just can't believe that he is gone. I know he is, but I can't believe it. Even looking at his pictures, he just has such a strong force about him that it doesn't make sense. One minute he was here and looking into my eyes, and then he was gone. His life extinguished like a flame just went out. Poof, he's gone.
I don't know that I will ever understand the how and why. I don't think it is even possible for me to really verbalize how I just don't get it. I don't understand!
He was such a wonderful man. He sacrificed everything for us. He loved us, provided for us, he was my life! So why did he get taken away when he was loved so much? I can't help but feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I write this. It figures, the ONE day I don't wear waterproof mascara, and I cry.
Is it ever going to be possible to know why and how? You never think something so tragic can happen to your family, but then it does and you're left dumbfounded. I wouldn't say I am in shock anymore, I know he isn't here anymore.
This morning my cell phone rang at 7:30 AM. I seriously ran to the phone, due to my typical response when he would call. But it was his ER doctor. Not Barry. At least I don't jump for text messages anymore in the morning. I haven't really felt his presence lately, not for quite awhile. But I know he's still here because I now have interference on my phone that I never had before he died. Yeah, I know you're all laughing at me. Go ahead, laugh. I know what I know. The funny thing is, I was talking to someone last week on my old cordless, and it was really really fuzzy, and I could barely hear her. When she came over, she brought me a brand new cordless from Office Depot, as a gift. Well, guess what? There is fuzziness, really bad interference, on this phone too.
I talk to him often. I say I love him mostly, but I still talk. It helps sometimes just to say it.
On that note, I'm off for now. Today I get to go to the hospital and drop off paperwork and pick up paperwork. I get to fax copies of the death certificate to 3 different places. And I was on the phone all morning again. I must have gotten like 5 phone calls and made the same myself.
I look at his pictures, and I can't fathom why and how. Why did he die? How did one person that loved life so much just die that quickly?
How does that happen? I just can't believe that he is gone. I know he is, but I can't believe it. Even looking at his pictures, he just has such a strong force about him that it doesn't make sense. One minute he was here and looking into my eyes, and then he was gone. His life extinguished like a flame just went out. Poof, he's gone.
I don't know that I will ever understand the how and why. I don't think it is even possible for me to really verbalize how I just don't get it. I don't understand!
He was such a wonderful man. He sacrificed everything for us. He loved us, provided for us, he was my life! So why did he get taken away when he was loved so much? I can't help but feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I write this. It figures, the ONE day I don't wear waterproof mascara, and I cry.
Is it ever going to be possible to know why and how? You never think something so tragic can happen to your family, but then it does and you're left dumbfounded. I wouldn't say I am in shock anymore, I know he isn't here anymore.
This morning my cell phone rang at 7:30 AM. I seriously ran to the phone, due to my typical response when he would call. But it was his ER doctor. Not Barry. At least I don't jump for text messages anymore in the morning. I haven't really felt his presence lately, not for quite awhile. But I know he's still here because I now have interference on my phone that I never had before he died. Yeah, I know you're all laughing at me. Go ahead, laugh. I know what I know. The funny thing is, I was talking to someone last week on my old cordless, and it was really really fuzzy, and I could barely hear her. When she came over, she brought me a brand new cordless from Office Depot, as a gift. Well, guess what? There is fuzziness, really bad interference, on this phone too.
I talk to him often. I say I love him mostly, but I still talk. It helps sometimes just to say it.
On that note, I'm off for now. Today I get to go to the hospital and drop off paperwork and pick up paperwork. I get to fax copies of the death certificate to 3 different places. And I was on the phone all morning again. I must have gotten like 5 phone calls and made the same myself.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Fight or Flight?
So I thought I had this great post all written out in my head, when it just vanished. I completely lost my inspiration.
I can probably summarize it a bit, explain what happened to me today, and perhaps you can all give me some insight.
This morning I had an appointment to go to, but before I went I was a tense bundle of nerves all morning. I wasn't even nervous about the appointment though. I felt like I had a ball of wobbly gobbly goo in my belly (if you can guess that reference, you win a prize!). Or if you want to use an even better analogy, a big ball of snakes wriggling around. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt like I had to get up and RUN. Just run, or jump, or even scream! It really felt like "fight or flight", super adrenaline I guess.
It eventually went away after I left the house and went about my day. I felt so on edge this morning, I was very tense and couldn't calm down. I wasn't yelling at the kids, nothing like that, but I just felt very very on edge.
I know it is common in this sort of situation. I felt it at the hospital when the Dr told me they couldn't find a pulse. At that moment, I screamed as loud as you could possibly imagine. Ears ringing screaming at the top of my lungs. That's also when I pushed past the doctor and ran full speed down the hallway to Barry's room. Now, I'm a big girl. I'm not skinny, and any sort of running hurts my shins. But I could have beat an Olympic gold medal winner for how fast I sprinted down that hallway. I didn't feel any pain whatsoever, except in my heart. It really is a "fight or flight", super adrenaline rush.
I'm sure to experience it again. I know it wasn't an anxiety attack, because I have had those in the past and this was very far from it. At least now I know what it is, and I can better channel that energy. I'm actually thinking of getting another membership at a gym, so that I can release some of whatever is inside me, besides excess chub.
In other news, I need advice on the boy. He is having a super hard time dealing with his daddy's death. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings, and hates to cry. I'm so sad for him because I don't know how to help him. We talk about daddy, how it's OK to be sad and cry, I give extra hugs etc etc. I'm even a bit more lenient with them, and today I even picked out some special presents for the kids at Toys R Us, for them to have a special surprise when they got home from school.
But he is acting out. Everyone is, but he especially. He's meaner to his sisters for sure. I have enrolled us in a family grief support group. Mostly it's for the kids, but the parents go. The first session starts mid November, and I am looking forward to going. I hope I can get some sort of insight on how to deal with kids and grieving. Any advice? A friend of mine gave me some ideas that I am going to put into play tomorrow afternoon when they get home from school again, but I welcome any advice.
I wish I could take all the pain and sadness away and just make us happy again. It really breaks my heart to see them so sad and crying.
Why is life so unfair?
I can probably summarize it a bit, explain what happened to me today, and perhaps you can all give me some insight.
This morning I had an appointment to go to, but before I went I was a tense bundle of nerves all morning. I wasn't even nervous about the appointment though. I felt like I had a ball of wobbly gobbly goo in my belly (if you can guess that reference, you win a prize!). Or if you want to use an even better analogy, a big ball of snakes wriggling around. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt like I had to get up and RUN. Just run, or jump, or even scream! It really felt like "fight or flight", super adrenaline I guess.
It eventually went away after I left the house and went about my day. I felt so on edge this morning, I was very tense and couldn't calm down. I wasn't yelling at the kids, nothing like that, but I just felt very very on edge.
I know it is common in this sort of situation. I felt it at the hospital when the Dr told me they couldn't find a pulse. At that moment, I screamed as loud as you could possibly imagine. Ears ringing screaming at the top of my lungs. That's also when I pushed past the doctor and ran full speed down the hallway to Barry's room. Now, I'm a big girl. I'm not skinny, and any sort of running hurts my shins. But I could have beat an Olympic gold medal winner for how fast I sprinted down that hallway. I didn't feel any pain whatsoever, except in my heart. It really is a "fight or flight", super adrenaline rush.
I'm sure to experience it again. I know it wasn't an anxiety attack, because I have had those in the past and this was very far from it. At least now I know what it is, and I can better channel that energy. I'm actually thinking of getting another membership at a gym, so that I can release some of whatever is inside me, besides excess chub.
In other news, I need advice on the boy. He is having a super hard time dealing with his daddy's death. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings, and hates to cry. I'm so sad for him because I don't know how to help him. We talk about daddy, how it's OK to be sad and cry, I give extra hugs etc etc. I'm even a bit more lenient with them, and today I even picked out some special presents for the kids at Toys R Us, for them to have a special surprise when they got home from school.
But he is acting out. Everyone is, but he especially. He's meaner to his sisters for sure. I have enrolled us in a family grief support group. Mostly it's for the kids, but the parents go. The first session starts mid November, and I am looking forward to going. I hope I can get some sort of insight on how to deal with kids and grieving. Any advice? A friend of mine gave me some ideas that I am going to put into play tomorrow afternoon when they get home from school again, but I welcome any advice.
I wish I could take all the pain and sadness away and just make us happy again. It really breaks my heart to see them so sad and crying.
Why is life so unfair?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Kids and Grieving
Everyone asks me how the kids are doing. And I don't know how to answer.
I've noticed they are so very resilient, and have done very well during this time of adversity. But each kid grieves differently, even in our family I have noticed many differences between all four children. The older kids understand more than the baby does, they know he can't come back, but they are hurting too. They write in their journals about how they miss him. They write memories, but it's so sad. I hate seeing them cry because it just breaks my heart. Going back to school has really helped them though I think because they get to be with their friends. They crave normality, they want to play, run, jump, learn, and just be at school. This is also why I am trying to keep us busy. We're doing more things together. Today we went to a Halloween Party, and bought a new video to watch tonight. Tomorrow a friend is taking us to Chuck E. Cheese's and then we're going to a Halloween thing at the local book store.
I think what has really helped us through these last couple weeks is that my husband was gone all the time, so we were used to day to day life without him. They talked to their dad on the phone, and we saw him every 7 weeks or so. He was always home for a week, week and a half, and then gone again.
But with the youngest, she doesn't quite realize what has happened. She was a total daddy's girl, and ADORES her daddy. Yes I say adores, because she still does. She knows something is up though, and we have talked about it, and how daddy died. Today she asked my why he died. It hurts my heart to have to tell her over and over why Daddy died. In many ways she is so lucky because she won't remember the pain of losing him, but she cries for him every. single. day. It breaks my heart! I am just sick that she won't remember him though, and that all we have are videos and pictures, and OUR memories to share with her. How is she going to remember him at only 3.5? It's so unfair.
It hurts my heart, breaks my heart, and tears it apart to know that the kids have to grow up without their daddy. He loved them so much, he was so proud of them. And now they don't have him.
How am I going to teach the kids what their dad wanted to teach them? How do I step up and be mommy and daddy? Especially with the boy, how can I provide for him what he needs in a father? And the girls, they need a father figure too...but I just don't know what to do about that. I am thankful to have a wonderful brother who can be in their lives, but sometimes an Uncle just isn't enough. They need and deserve more.
I wish I could do it all for them, but I just don't know that I can give them all they need. I don't know how!
Why does it seem like everything has to be a blessing in disguise? Like the fact that I never took the kids to the hospital to see him before he died, so now all their memories are happy ones. Or that the baby is young enough to not remember how painful it was to lose him. Or the fact that when we purchased our van, we got that special life insurance on it *just in case*.
Sigh.
Edited To Add:
I wrote this post Friday night, but decided not to post it till Sunday.
Glad I decided to wait, because I have updates as of Saturday night.
Things I have noticed....regression in the 3.5 year old. She is sucking her thumb again and acting like more of a baby. She cries at the drop of a hat. And she is very antagonistic with her siblings. She just won't leave them alone! I think she needs some extra TLC, which I am totally OK with. Her and I have some fun activities planned for this week, including two story times at the library and a trip to the pumpkin patch.
And I found our oldest two girls crying in bed tonight after I tucked them in. I didn't want to disturb them, but I went in there and talked to them anyway. I started to cry as well with them, I wish I could just take the pain away for all of us. The oldest girl I knew would have a really hard time with it, and I was right. she was saying how much she missed her daddy. *sigh*
And there has been a LOT more fighting and bickering amongst the children. All of our fuses are short, but they just can't help themselves. I'm constantly hearing tattling, whining, screaming, and fighting from them. All the time. I don't have time right now, I am so busy still trying to close up Barry's estate, but I will be looking into counseling for them and SOON. I think we really do need it and soon. I've been given some recommendations by some friends of mine, especially about groups for kids only. There is also a 6 week course held at the hospital that started on October 7th that I wanted to go to, but it wasn't the right time. It starts again after Christmas, so I am going to register myself for that.
I wrote yesterday about how I was afraid to think about him. Tonight I made myself do something. I looked at some pictures, kissed them, told him I loved him. I listened to the music I had played at his memorial service. One song in particular is so etched in my mind that I can recall exactly what I was doing at that time. I was walking up to give my "speech" about Barry, and then I stopped right before I got to the podium to look at his face. Some of my friends were right though, I do need to look at the pictures and remember. I can't deny myself the pain. And you know what? I do feel a bit better. I can't handle it for long periods...I got about a half hour in tonight before it started to get to me. But hey, at half hour is a half hour, right? One thing I know I can't do right now is listen to his voice. That's not something I'm ready for. But at least I can look at his pictures once in awhile without being desperately afraid to do so.
I've noticed they are so very resilient, and have done very well during this time of adversity. But each kid grieves differently, even in our family I have noticed many differences between all four children. The older kids understand more than the baby does, they know he can't come back, but they are hurting too. They write in their journals about how they miss him. They write memories, but it's so sad. I hate seeing them cry because it just breaks my heart. Going back to school has really helped them though I think because they get to be with their friends. They crave normality, they want to play, run, jump, learn, and just be at school. This is also why I am trying to keep us busy. We're doing more things together. Today we went to a Halloween Party, and bought a new video to watch tonight. Tomorrow a friend is taking us to Chuck E. Cheese's and then we're going to a Halloween thing at the local book store.
I think what has really helped us through these last couple weeks is that my husband was gone all the time, so we were used to day to day life without him. They talked to their dad on the phone, and we saw him every 7 weeks or so. He was always home for a week, week and a half, and then gone again.
But with the youngest, she doesn't quite realize what has happened. She was a total daddy's girl, and ADORES her daddy. Yes I say adores, because she still does. She knows something is up though, and we have talked about it, and how daddy died. Today she asked my why he died. It hurts my heart to have to tell her over and over why Daddy died. In many ways she is so lucky because she won't remember the pain of losing him, but she cries for him every. single. day. It breaks my heart! I am just sick that she won't remember him though, and that all we have are videos and pictures, and OUR memories to share with her. How is she going to remember him at only 3.5? It's so unfair.
It hurts my heart, breaks my heart, and tears it apart to know that the kids have to grow up without their daddy. He loved them so much, he was so proud of them. And now they don't have him.
How am I going to teach the kids what their dad wanted to teach them? How do I step up and be mommy and daddy? Especially with the boy, how can I provide for him what he needs in a father? And the girls, they need a father figure too...but I just don't know what to do about that. I am thankful to have a wonderful brother who can be in their lives, but sometimes an Uncle just isn't enough. They need and deserve more.
I wish I could do it all for them, but I just don't know that I can give them all they need. I don't know how!
Why does it seem like everything has to be a blessing in disguise? Like the fact that I never took the kids to the hospital to see him before he died, so now all their memories are happy ones. Or that the baby is young enough to not remember how painful it was to lose him. Or the fact that when we purchased our van, we got that special life insurance on it *just in case*.
Sigh.
Edited To Add:
I wrote this post Friday night, but decided not to post it till Sunday.
Glad I decided to wait, because I have updates as of Saturday night.
Things I have noticed....regression in the 3.5 year old. She is sucking her thumb again and acting like more of a baby. She cries at the drop of a hat. And she is very antagonistic with her siblings. She just won't leave them alone! I think she needs some extra TLC, which I am totally OK with. Her and I have some fun activities planned for this week, including two story times at the library and a trip to the pumpkin patch.
And I found our oldest two girls crying in bed tonight after I tucked them in. I didn't want to disturb them, but I went in there and talked to them anyway. I started to cry as well with them, I wish I could just take the pain away for all of us. The oldest girl I knew would have a really hard time with it, and I was right. she was saying how much she missed her daddy. *sigh*
And there has been a LOT more fighting and bickering amongst the children. All of our fuses are short, but they just can't help themselves. I'm constantly hearing tattling, whining, screaming, and fighting from them. All the time. I don't have time right now, I am so busy still trying to close up Barry's estate, but I will be looking into counseling for them and SOON. I think we really do need it and soon. I've been given some recommendations by some friends of mine, especially about groups for kids only. There is also a 6 week course held at the hospital that started on October 7th that I wanted to go to, but it wasn't the right time. It starts again after Christmas, so I am going to register myself for that.
I wrote yesterday about how I was afraid to think about him. Tonight I made myself do something. I looked at some pictures, kissed them, told him I loved him. I listened to the music I had played at his memorial service. One song in particular is so etched in my mind that I can recall exactly what I was doing at that time. I was walking up to give my "speech" about Barry, and then I stopped right before I got to the podium to look at his face. Some of my friends were right though, I do need to look at the pictures and remember. I can't deny myself the pain. And you know what? I do feel a bit better. I can't handle it for long periods...I got about a half hour in tonight before it started to get to me. But hey, at half hour is a half hour, right? One thing I know I can't do right now is listen to his voice. That's not something I'm ready for. But at least I can look at his pictures once in awhile without being desperately afraid to do so.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I'm Afraid To Think About Him
Thinking about him is painful.
I've told other people I'm fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what we're used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.
If I keep busy, I don't think. I don't want to think. I don't want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I don't think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.
Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But it's the only way I know how to cope! I just can't handle those sneaky little thoughts. I'm denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.
I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I don't know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.
My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.
That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I don't want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.
I don't think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but it's hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I haven't wanted to do that. I just don't want to think about him. But how can I not?
So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until I'm emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I don't want the kids to think I don't love their dad, that I don't miss him, that I don't want to talk about him, but it's so fucking hard to do that. I can't even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CAN'T. I don't want them to get the wrong impression, that I'm not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.
Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really don't know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I don't feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, it's only been two weeks, but I just don't know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.
I'm just so confused!
I've told other people I'm fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what we're used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.
If I keep busy, I don't think. I don't want to think. I don't want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I don't think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.
Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But it's the only way I know how to cope! I just can't handle those sneaky little thoughts. I'm denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.
I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I don't know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.
My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.
That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I don't want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.
I don't think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but it's hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I haven't wanted to do that. I just don't want to think about him. But how can I not?
So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until I'm emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I don't want the kids to think I don't love their dad, that I don't miss him, that I don't want to talk about him, but it's so fucking hard to do that. I can't even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CAN'T. I don't want them to get the wrong impression, that I'm not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.
Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really don't know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I don't feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, it's only been two weeks, but I just don't know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.
I'm just so confused!
Friday, October 23, 2009
I am Blessed
The last few weeks the kids and I, and Barry, were very blessed by our community, our friends and our family.
While Barry was in the hospital, I had some meals brought to us, and families at the kids' school provided us with many, many, gift cards for various restaurants and grocery stores around the area. I have only used one of the gift cards, and am saving them for when we need them.
After Barry passed, my friends set up meals for us. This was just incredible. My MOPS group, the Kid's school (via a friend of mine), and my Meet Up group each took a week. I don't have to cook until November 1st. And actually, much later than that because we have so many left overs in the freezer. At Barry's service, I came home with TONS of lasagna, 3 are in my freezer, plus an additional few meals that we had leftovers from. Ladies from my MOPS Group fed us at the reception too.
Also, my oldest friend Rina, over at GottaLittleSpace set up a Pay Pal donation fund for us, family members, friend from school, and many other friends have donated to us as well.
I have made new friends during this time, and lost some. You really do see people's true colors during times like this. I have to say though, I am so very incredibly grateful for EVERYONE that has donated food, time and money to the kids and I. You really don't know what it has meant to us. I don't think that I could ever find the words to express our thankfulness, because there just aren't enough words to express what I am trying to say. I truly wish that this didn't have to happen, I would give it all back just to have Barry back, but unfortunately that is not an option. I am still thankful though.
Thank You a million times over!
While Barry was in the hospital, I had some meals brought to us, and families at the kids' school provided us with many, many, gift cards for various restaurants and grocery stores around the area. I have only used one of the gift cards, and am saving them for when we need them.
After Barry passed, my friends set up meals for us. This was just incredible. My MOPS group, the Kid's school (via a friend of mine), and my Meet Up group each took a week. I don't have to cook until November 1st. And actually, much later than that because we have so many left overs in the freezer. At Barry's service, I came home with TONS of lasagna, 3 are in my freezer, plus an additional few meals that we had leftovers from. Ladies from my MOPS Group fed us at the reception too.
Also, my oldest friend Rina, over at GottaLittleSpace set up a Pay Pal donation fund for us, family members, friend from school, and many other friends have donated to us as well.
I have made new friends during this time, and lost some. You really do see people's true colors during times like this. I have to say though, I am so very incredibly grateful for EVERYONE that has donated food, time and money to the kids and I. You really don't know what it has meant to us. I don't think that I could ever find the words to express our thankfulness, because there just aren't enough words to express what I am trying to say. I truly wish that this didn't have to happen, I would give it all back just to have Barry back, but unfortunately that is not an option. I am still thankful though.
Thank You a million times over!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The (Unintentional) Branding of a Widow
As my Aunt Christine said, you feel like you walk around with a big W tattooed on your forehead, where everyone can notice it.
I don't think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like we're lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.
And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.
Do you know how irritating it is to hear "I'm sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I don't want to hear them. Saying "I'm sorry" is not going to make me feel better, it's not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, it's not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesn't do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I can't be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but I'm a WIDOW and I'M GRIEVING.
And while I'm on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.
Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. It's hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying you're sorry, or asking how I am.
That is all.
I don't think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like we're lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.
And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.
Do you know how irritating it is to hear "I'm sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I don't want to hear them. Saying "I'm sorry" is not going to make me feel better, it's not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, it's not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesn't do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I can't be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but I'm a WIDOW and I'M GRIEVING.
And while I'm on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.
Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. It's hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying you're sorry, or asking how I am.
That is all.
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