This Gets Old Fast

No news yet. Nothing has really changed except they have lowered his O2 levels to 50%, which is good. But his blood gas still isn't high enough. Maybe they'll try get him off the respirator tomorrow, but they don't know.

people keep asking me if he's going to get better and I just don't know. I don't have any answers and I'm tired of getting asked that question. I understand everyone wants to know, and this is just a normal response, but I just don't have the answers. please don't be offended if you're one of those who asks me, it's just that as a whole, I really hate it. If anyone wants answers, it's me.

He was responsive again, and was able to communicate with me a bit by hand squeezes, blinks and head nods.

I'm tired of this hospital routine and it's only been 4 days, almost 5. It's physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. I know he wants me and needs me there, but I can only handle a couple visits a day. I usually go in the morning and late at night. It's ok to do this, right? He knows I love him, and I'd do anything...I just need a break from it all.

I'm so testy lately with other people, I can't tolerate idiots so today at the grocery store I saw some woman park her car maybe two feet in the parking spot, and the rest on the "aisle", so I wrote her a note and stuck it on her windshield telling her to learn how to park. I just can't stand stupid people right now, and I'm tired of being asked questions all the time.

Right now I'm just trying to get through the weekend. I will have to deal with a whole new routine on Monday because it's half days all week, and mom won't be here. I have to rely on friends again to help out with childcare. I'm scared I won't be able to find someone to help me with the kids, even though some people said they would. I know I cant go to the hospital from 1PM till the kids are in bed, so I need someone from 9AM till 12/1PM, and then 8/9 PM till 11PM.

I miss my husband so much. I hate seeing him like this. I need him to get better. I just need a hug from him

Another Update

I've been at the hospital a million times in the last few days it seems.

I wasn't able to go today till after lunch, as I had a dental appointment this morning and the kids' school had late start.

So he's doing ok, a little better than yesterday. His O2 levels were 100% yesterday in the morning, and they've slowly been lowering them to 60%. He is still on the respirator, has a feeding tube, and all that other stuff.

Today he was really agitated and kept trying to write something. he was making the motion with his right hand that he wanted a pen. I kept telling him no, and he kept getting upset. He was also trying to talk to me, and lift his head. So the had to sedate him more because he was getting too upset. I told him to blink twice if he loved me, and he did. <3 He looked at me too, and recognized me, so that gave me great comfort. I was able to calm him down a few times, but at one point his heart rate went up to 200.

Right now i don't know what's going to happen. We're all hoping for the best, and he is on the road to improvement it seems, but he is still very very sick.

I don't have anything much to post, but perhaps tonight I will have more information.

My mom is here, so I can stay long tonight if I want. I'm going back tomorrow for the morning. And then tomorrow night. Over, and over and over again. It's a routine now, and i feel very friendly with the nurses, lol.

I'm sorry if I don't seem distraught, upset, whatever. I'm just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. I'm sure he understands, I can't stay there all the time. I'm still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me.

'm sorry if I don't seem distraught, upset, whatever. I'm just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. I'm sure he understands, I can't stay there all the time. I'm still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. Honestly, I'm kind of running on auto pilot now. My appetite is almost non-existant, I've had just yogurt and a banana today with a glass of milk. I'm just not hungry. I've lost weight already, I weighed myself last night and I was down a few pounds in just a couple days. I have managed to eat dinner, last night a friend brought us some delicious spaghetti. it's just nice not having to cook. Someone else is bringing us dinner again tonight. If anyone I know is reading this, then dinner would be most welcome next week. I know you all told me to ask, so here I am asking! Please call and ask. Or if someone can watch our youngest during the day, I would love it.

This morning I found some photo paper that I had, and printed off some photos for him to tape up on his wall. I thought he would like to have some of us that he could look at once he is feeling somewhat better.

Until later...

And yet, another update

Thanks to my wonderful friend and neighbor Sara, I was able to visit him this evening for a couple hours.

First off, let me say how much those hospital masks SUCK! Seriously, my face is numb from the foam in them. It's so freakin uncomfortable.

Secondly, I did NOT know this, but the CCU is the same as ICU. So for those wondering, he is in the ICU.

Ok, so, I got there shortly after 9PM tonight and they were examining his air way. They haven't been able to get in a feeding tube , and will be doing it by Xray tonight. Probably now actually, now that I am gone.

There is no change right now in his condition. I can't really even pretend to understand all that medical mumbo jumbo. All I know is that he is on 70% pure O2 with the Respirator right now. There is blood in his lungs from the bad infection too. He needs to be able to maintain 50% on his own. I guess how they do that is wait till they see some form of improvement and once he gets somewhat better, then they can turn the respirator down and let his lungs do most of the work. But honestly, I couldn't even understand that. I don't know what his levels have to be, what they're at. Whats best for him right now is to be on the respirator and to let his body get healthy.

Tonight was a good visit though, he was lucid and partially awake when I went in there, meaning he was responsive to me. They actually turned down the sedation a bit. When I got there he was a bit agitated from the nurses poking and prodding him, and once they stepped back, i went up to him and held his hand. He looked me in the eyes, which was great. And yes, he did recognize me. A wife knows, we just know. I was really happy to see that. I asked him a few minutes later if he was able to hear me talking smack about him with Rick today, and he shook his head no. I also got a couple hand squeezes from him, and some eyebrow wiggles or whatever you call them. He couldn't open his eyes, but wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I went in tonight armed with nail clippers and foot lotion for him. I gave him a nice trim, lol, and a good foot massage too. Afterwards I was trying to exercise his legs for a bit, but he did NOT like that at all, and pushed against my hand and wiggled his toes. So I stopped.

The rest of the night, I talked about anything and everything. I also had brought some trivial pursuit cards because we like that game, and asked him the questions and then answered them for him ;o)

Tomorrow it looks like I won't be able to visit for awhile. I have a dental appointment in the morning to get a couple broken fillings fixed, and then Sara will be watching our youngest for me. But since she has somewhere to be, then I will most likely just come straight home and go visit him once my mom gets here. At least with mom coming, I dont have to worry about how long I stay. And then I can also come late at night after the kids are in bed too, like I did tonight.

I've got so much responsibility right now, I just don't know what to do about all that. I've got the work thing figured out, I am going to call in the morning and get it taken care of. The school I have to call too, but I did leave a message for his advisors to call me or vice versa. Honestly, the most pressing issue for me is the financial one. I don't know what we're going to do financially. I don't know how to pay bills if there is no money coming in, and that really worries me. He could be in the hospital for a couple weeks, and then he will need a bit of recuperating time at home, so what do we do? I know I can put off the bills for a little while, but what about groceries? gas? And those bills that HAVE to be paid like credit cards and insurance? can't miss those. I hate that money has to be the one issue I worry about, but it is a true worry. Me getting a job is not going to help things, so please don't even suggest that. I'd have to pay for day care, and for what...a month? just get a job for a month? I don't even think we could go on TANF/welfare for a month.

On a lighter note, if you want to call it that, I am amazed at the strength I have been able to pull from places I never knew existed. From this morning, I am a completely different person. I took care of things I never thought I could do, and I am proud of myself for that. But I wouldn't have been able to do this without the help and support of my friends and family. Mom, Maegen, Sara, Lisa, Angela, Janelle...anyone who has talked to or seen me today, they have just been an incredible support. And if you know me and can help next week with childcare, please please let me know. Sara has to go back to work on Thursday. starting Monday it will be just myself, and I can't not visit him. I know I have a couple ladies lined up that are willing to watch our youngest, but I just need more options. Even if you came to the house after they went to bed and sat for a couple hours while I visited. Anything. I'll even drive our youngest to your house during the day! I just wish I was able to visit him more often next week. I will only have the mornings though as it is conference week and the kids have early release and get home at 1PM.

I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I need to get a good nights sleep. Thankfully tomorrow is late start day, and the kids don't need to be on the bus till 9:30, so we can sleep in a little bit. I might give myself till 7:30 unless the nurses call me and pass on information.

Please keep us in your thoughts and hope that something improves. Again, I will update as I can.

Tuesday PM Update

I went back to the hospital this afternoon after I made myself eat something.
I sat with him for a couple hours, made a few phone calls etc etc. I got some sort of response from him, he squeezed my hands a couple times. But he is completely unconscious, so it could just be reflexes. Either way, it gave me comfort.

The Doctor said he most likely got a staph infection in his lungs, and these infections typically get worse before they get better. He will be on the respirator for a few days as well.

I know he knows I am there, even if he doesn't know that he knows. I just know. I was able to calm him down a few times when his blood pressure went up just by talking to him and soothing him

I sit and talk to him, I joke around and say silly things. I taped up all the pictures and cards the kids made for him on his wall. His nurse Rick is really funny,and he and I were making jokes about him. He had his beard shaved off, so now he looks like a bald bowling ball, lol. He has a big head, which is why I say that, and he also shaves his head. Tonight I am going to visit again for an hour or so after the kids go to bed, and my friend Sara is watching them while they sleep. I am going to cut his toe nails, LOL, he never got around to it for a couple weeks, and I joked to Rick that I should paint his nails. I don't think I will, but I will give him a nice pedicure.

I wonder if he can hear me, and is thinking up all these smart ass remarks to give me once he wakes up again. I tease him and tell funny things about him to the nurses and the doctor, so I might be in for it when he wakes up.

Until later....

Oh, and thank you to everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I appreciate it so much.

Oh, and I haven't gotten a chance to do this, but I want to thank all my friends/acquaintances that have passed on their help, offered dinners for us, their well wishes. I will be sending out quite a few thank you cards I think.

One other thing I forgot...
I had to take his phone and computer home with me, and while looking on his phone this afternoon for some info, something made my heart skip a beat. I dont know why I didnt notice this before. A couple weeks ago I took a photo of the sunrise that turned out really neat. He never said anythign to me about it, but guess what was on the background for his blackberry? Do you know how good that made me feel? It was like an invisible hug and love from my husband. I just was so shocked to see that. I love that man.

so here I sit

I'm home for a short while while my husband is being taken care of.

I got the call this morning from the doctor that he was being transferred to the CCU, Critical Care Unit, because he wasn't getting better. I then called the nurse in the CCU who told me to come as soon as I could. They took blood from his artery and his O2 stats were 50%. Then they put him on the CPAP, which is 100% O2 and his levels only went to 69%.

When I got there, I got a glimpse of him through the glass door of his room and just lost it. He had a whole big plastic mask on his face. I waited till the nurse brought me a mask to wear to go in.

I was able to talk to him for a short time and then all these people started coming in, and I heard the word Anesthesiologist.

As you can probably guess, he is now intubated. He is on a respirator that is helping him breathe. They had me leave for 1.5 hours while they got him taken care of. When I came back, they were still working on him, and I only had time to gather a few of his possessions like his computer etc. I'm at home right now because I just couldn't take it anymore. So I'm here for lunch, and my sister is talking to me on the phone. I had to call her because the silence here is deafening. Our youngest daughter is at my friend's house and I just didn't feel like picking her up. I'm going back to the hospital in another hour or so, and then I'll do my best to be home by the time the kids get off the bus.

Thank goodness for friends. A friend from our old city is bringing us dinner tonight. Another friend is watching our daughter while I am at the hospital. And tomorrow my mom comes.

I don't want to admit it, but I am so fucking scared I will lose my best friend. Scared to pieces. How do I keep it together for my kids when I am broken inside?

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have to find out a way to fill out his trip packs for work. I have to call his school somehow and figure out what to do for that. I have to figure out what to do about financial issues. He's going to be in the hospital for up to 10 days. And let me say this...I am so thankful for life insurance. No one wants to think about it, but do you know how relieved I am to know that the kids and I will be taken care of if something happens?

My poor husband has been working on his beard for years, it is his pride and joy. And they shaved it off. he looks like a bald bowling ball.

I love this man so much and it just breaks my heart to see him like this. How do I keep it together when I am so scared and worried? I am trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids,. Today was pajama day at school, and I let them do that. Our daughter's birthday is on Thursday, and i am making her cupcakes. Saturday is her party, and my mom will be here so we are still going to have fun. I ordered her cake yesterday, and we're going to go have fun at Glow Golf in our mall.

My tummy is rumbling and I need to eat something even though I don't want to. I just have no appetite.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do. I appreciate any and all of that.

Please keep us in your thoughts

My husband is in the hospital, and is very very sick. We know he has pneumonia, but they don't know how he got it. They think he had swine flu first, and it got worse and turned into this.

When he came home last night, I had my friend Sara come over and watch the kids and I drove him to the ER. We were there for 5 hours and I finally left to come home and get some sleep. he was admitted last night, and i was able to see him for maybe 20 minutes this morning. I had our youngest daughter with us, and I had to put a mask on her. Myself, I had to put on a gown/gloves and a mask. They won't let me bring the kids to visit at all because he is so sick and they don't want the kids to catch anything.

He has been on Oxygen all day and his levels are not getting better at all. They're going to put him on 100% O2 if he doesn't improve. IF that doesn't help, then he will be put under and intubated. He told the Dr that he would be too claustrophobic to be awake, so they're going to keep him sedated and "unconscious" till he gets better, if it comes to this.

I feel lost, helpless, scared...everything. He's supposed to be home right now, and I feel like part of me is missing. his truck is outside and I hate looking at it because it reminds me that he isn't home, but lying in a hospital bed 10 minutes away. I don't know what to do, and I am so afraid of losing my best friend. The Dr told him if he hadn't come in, he would have died in a couple days! He's the sickest patient there right now, and this is a BIG hospital. I know I have to keep strong for the kids, and act as normal as possible, but I'm really struggling to keep it together. I can't help but think of the worst. I know that isn't healthy, and good for me or the kids, but I just can't help it.

Please keep him in your thoughts, and myself and the kids. I hope that the tide will turn tomorrow or tonight and we will see some sort of improvement.

I'll update as needed.

9PM update: Just talked to him and apparently is O2 stats are up slightly. So they probably won't have to intubate, thankfully. He is feeling slightly better, and managed to keep down some food. He's not out of the woods yet though, but I am just happy he is feeling somewhat better, even if only a little bit.

I Love The Fall

I am so happy we made it through summer! While our summer wasn't terribly hot, except for a few weeks of 100F+ weather, I'm still happy it is over. School is in full swing, we're back on a schedule, the air has a bite in it and the leaves are changing colors. I love the fall, I thrive in it. It is my favorite season.

Over the weekend the kids finally persuaded me to put up our Halloween and Harvest decorations. I hadn't really been feeling the urge to do it, but I figured I may as well so I don't get bugged about it anymore. I'm happy I did, because the house looks really cute. I forgot what goodies I had tucked away!

Now that it is October, it is time to start doing some Halloween and fall themed crafts. I like doing them with our youngest daughter because she isn't in pre-school, and it gives us a fun activity to do together. I need some ideas though, what are some of your favorite fall crafts?

One idea I had was to have her collect some leaves that had changed color, put them between some wax paper and iron them. Then we can cut out the shapes together and hang them or put them on the fridge. And who can forget the classic leaf rub? just put the leaf under the paper and color over the shape of it on the paper. We could make this Fall Fingerprint Tree, or even this fun Paper Strip Pumpkin.

For Halloween, there is a plethora of craft ideas. FamilyFun.com has a whole section dedicated to Halloween Crafts. You can get a new idea for every day of the month with this 31 Days of Halloween Printables Calendar. I have found a ton of ideas on the Family Fun website, so I will definitely be using some of the craft suggestions.

Anyone have any good ideas they can share? I'm open to suggestions!

Warning Labels Were Meant For Me

You know those crazy warning labels that manufacturers put on products so you don’t hurt yourself? Like “do not operate blow dryer while sleeping”, those types? Anyone who does that is just stupid, but they have to do it regardless to protect their asses from the idiots that sue because they spilled hot McDonald’s coffee on themselves.

I’m not stupid, just unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate.

Let me tell you a story. A long, long time ago, there were two people who were very much in love and met on the internet. The girl went to visit the boy so they could get married. The boy was in the Army and lived in the Barracks, in a far away country called Germany. The girl and boy had talked a lot on the phone, written letters, and emails, but had only met in person once which was the day the boy asked the girl to marry him. The girl said yes, and then three months later, the girl went to Germany to go marry the boy.

One night the girl and the boy were sitting on the couch in his room watching a movie. The boy was drinking a bottle of German Coke, which is much much better than American Coke. The girl was thirsty, so she asked the boy for a drink of his soda. Not thinking anything would happen, the girl twisted open the cap to take a sip, only to have the cap shoot back and hit her square in the forehead. Never had the boy and girl laughed so hard. The girl realized that from now on, she should read the warning labels that say “open away from face”

Two years later the girl and boy had become mama and dada. The girl and the boy brought their twins to their grandma’s house so she could babysit them, and the girl and the boy could go out alone together. Recently, the boy had bought a new gun, the same type of gun that Dirty Harry used. The girl was very afraid to try and shoot it because she had never shot a gun before, let alone a 44 Magnum. The boy found a secluded area in the mountains for them to practice at, and wouldn’t you know, the girl had an accident. While the girl was shooting, she failed to listen to the instructions and the force of the gun firing caused the girls arms to move backwards making the gun’s hammer hit her square in the forehead. But she was ok, and laughed it off.

Two years after that, the girl and boy decided to try shooting one more time, but decided they would go try at an indoor range. The girl was nervous, but thought she could do it again. While she was shooting, something shot across her face and scared the crap out of her. The girl can’t remember what it was, but it came out of the gun, and it was hot and dusty and hit her on the cheekbones. The girl has refused to shoot with the boy since then and it has been 6 years.

Tonight the girl went out with her kids to a friend’s house. The friend had bought all the kids glow sticks to play with. The girl was bending them to get them to glow, and one exploded and shot the glow solution into her left eye. The girl dropped the glow stick on the table and ran to the friend’s kitchen sink and proceeded to wash out her eyes for a good 10-15 minutes. The girl had intense burning pain in her left eye and couldn’t keep it open. Now while the girl writes this post, her eye feels better, but still has trouble keeping it open all the way.

The girl firmly believes in reading warning labels, because you never know when you’ll get shot in the forehead with a bottle cap, have a gun hammer hit your forehead, have gun powder sear your cheek or have a glow stick explode in your eye.

The End.

Yes, a freaking glow stick exploded in my eye. It burned like someone poured acid into my eyeball. It hurt like a bitch, and it’s very tired right now. I was worried I couldn’t drive home in the dark, but thankfully it happened two hours before we left. My glasses had purple glow solution over them too. I can’t believe it went under my glasses and straight into my eye.

Change Of Plans

Just a little while ago, I posted about a contest I was going to have to name my new hair clip business. I went through some names with my husband, and then we brainstormed some more this afternoon until I finally came up with the winner.

We had some great ideas, and I had one suggestion from a fellow blogger, and twitter friend that I really liked, but I decided to go with my own name. It is one I thought up by myself too! My husband had some real good ones though ;o) I have to say thank you to him too for being so patient with me while I brainstormed and figured out what products to sell.

I'll debut the name shortly, and then I will have a contest to win a free hair clip. Keep a look out for it!

Thrifty Thursday

I headed to Value Village again this week! I think I am going to take a bit of a break from thrift shopping though, I am a bit burnt out from shopping and running errands. I'll take it back up in a few weeks probably.

On Monday I found quite a few items for really good prices. First off, I finally found myself some comfy velour pants for only $6.99. I have been needing something to wear around the house, so this was a perfect find.

I also got my oldest daughter some cute brown boots with a small heel. She absolutely loves them, which makes me happy. They looked brand new too! They were $6.99 as well, but she did need some new ones as hers from last year were getting worn and a bit too small. And for the winter, I got my youngest daughter a good pair of boots to wear outside for $4.99.

Lastly, I bought a stack of books for the kids for only $5. I got 10 of them, so only $.50 cents each. One of them was in such good condition, it looked brand new, that I'm keeping it aside as a potential Christmas gift for my son.

What good bargains did you find this week?