Friday, March 19, 2010

On Being Vulnerable

Becoming a widow is probably one of the most devastating things that can happen to a woman, apart from losing a child, which I hope to never experience, as I am sure that would break me even more so than I already am.

It is raw. It is like being punched in the gut repeatedly. It is like getting your heart torn out while it's still beating. And it makes you vulnerable. Oh does it ever make you vulnerable.

I'm so afraid of this new label and what it means to me, how it defines me. I'll be completely honest, I am afraid to tell people I am a widow. Yes, I am a widow; My husband died in my arms and I will forever carry that heartache, but I don't want to be thought of as just a widow. It is me, yet it is not me. It is not all that I am, and it is not all encompassing. But I really am afraid of what people will think of me when they find out I am a widow, that they will have these pre-conceived notions of how I should be, act and do.

It really shouldn't matter to me what people think about me and my situation. Really, the only persons whose opinion matters is my own, but why am I so ashamed of me? Why am I scared of this label?

I met someone the other day who I didn't want to tell about my situation. I was afraid to tell the truth. See, I can tell people I am a widow. Hell, it says so on my twitter page and on my face book page that I am a widow. But I don't like to share the details of the past five months ago, or the fact that it was even five months ago. But my blog was found, and the whole five months of blog entries were read. I wasn't hiding it, but I wasn't exactly advertising it either. And you know what? I'm am OK with that. In fact, I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders because I don't have to hide anymore. I can be ME, I can cry and not be afraid of what will be thought of me. I can be open, and I can talk about it, and I don't have to stress about it anymore. I so very, very much appreciate the thoughtfulness and caring attitude I got after my blog was read, especially since I was so scared of the response I would get (yes, I know I'm very public with it, but what can I say, I'm a conundrum!).

I don't even know where I was going with this blog post. I feel like it's all jumbled up. I was tired, and I wrote this off and on while watching "New Moon". I guess what I am really trying to say is that while its a very scary thing to be vulnerable, sometimes it is perfectly acceptable to be that way. I learned today that it is OK to be open with my feelings, and not worry what others will think about me. I think I have to learn to be more open, because if I am not, then it just eats away at me. Knowing I can tell the truth and not be judged is an awesome feeling. Just awesome.

And I just have to say, thank you to this person for making me realize that. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Thank you for helping me overcome this hurdle without even knowing you did so.

Honesty really is the best policy.

1 comment:

Chrissy said...

I remember when I called my oldest and told her her Dad was killed... She told me later she told her rooommates: "My mom is a widow".,.. funny at the time, that word wasn't in my vocab.... But since then, I have learned who my friends are... One gal who had been planning a dinner party knew I knew she was planning one... This insensitive biatch said to me: "I would of invited you but I wanted my table to be even"... Meaning the count would be off... I would be the 'odd' number... Also being a widow seems to bring out the male magnet... somehow men seem to think widows are so damn lonely and want male attention regardless of who it is... Sure I am lonely and at the time I was lonely for MY hubby... So keep your eyes open.. Not saying ALL men are that way but men who were friends of my husband's were all of a sudden too attentive... When my bro was killed (dep. sheriff) one of his friends was a bit 'too nice'.... and recently tried sending an email to me which i deleted...
Yes, honesty is the best policy.. Keep that quality and u will win every time..