Sunday, March 07, 2010

Goodbye Fog, Hello...Clouds?

I was reading a few blogs today written by fellow widows, and one in particular struck a chord with me regarding the timeline we follow when we grieve.

Grief is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, wobbly bits, sharp fast corners and stomach-dropping vomit inducing speeds. And then at times, it is peaceful and quiet, calm even. You can't predict what will happen next, unfortunately, as grief is a roller coaster that doesn't have a set course. It goes in any which way it wants.

Right now I feel I am on the calm tracks of my grief roller coaster. It could change tomorrow, it could change in a week, but right now, I am OK.

Right around the 6 month mark is when some grieving widows/widowers say they start to feel they are getting a handle on their grief. I have noticed that recently when I cry, my tears are different. They're more sad. But with that sadness comes a realization that this life is real, and I can't hide from it anymore. We're about 5 months in now, short a couple days, and it has really only been recently that I have noticed this change.

Is it resignation? Have I finally come to terms with Barry's death? Resignation maybe. The fact that I know this is it, that I can't change anything, and this is the life I have been given. But I still haven't come to terms with it. Yes, I know he is dead. I am reminded of that every single time I glance at my dresser and see an Oak box sitting upon it, with his name engraved into it. I feel like a conundrum really, despite the fact that I can sense a change in me.

Several months ago I wrote that the fog was lifting. I was wrong, very very wrong. I think at that time, what was lifting was the shock and numbness of it all. I have still walked around in a fog for the past 5 months. Going about life as normal, functioning as I should, but really being like a robot and going through the motions because that was all I knew how to do to get through the day. I don't know what triggered this recent change in me, but I am happy for it.

The fog is lifting, but there are still clouds in the sky. Occasionally a ray of sunshine will filter through.


Chrissy said...

Resignation? no, I think ACCEPTANCE..Resignation sounds so negative like one has given in... Acceptance is that u are coming to understand... I think I mentioned the cloud lifted about 4 1/2 years after... I am no expert but I think the shock has worn off for you, the shock ran off for me about a couple of months after my husband was gone... I had a grief therapist and I read books... I know I went thru every cycle of grief... and I think one has to allow those cycles otherwise one doesn't move forward.

KrustyTheCat said...

Thanks Chrissi, I do agree that acceptance is a much better word. I think I've run the gamut of grief cycles, i keep going through them over and over and over again. I dont know that I've really hit the anger stage yet though. I've had some very very angry, hateful moments though.