I feel strange starting a new year. Apathetic almost. Scared even. Scared to start over.
Every year since 1999 Barry has been there. And while he wasn't always there on New Years Eve with me, sometimes working, most of the last 10 years we have been together on this day. And even if he wasn't there in person, he was still "there", still in my life.
Starting a new year without my husband is hard. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Like I explained a friend of mine, Barry won't be there in 2010 and any year after that. 2009 was his last year, and I just dont know how I feel leaving him behind. There will never be another year where I can say "oh, remember in such and such year, we did this?"
All I have now are the memories, memories of the last 11 years that I have known him. The first IM I get from him saying "what's ska music", the time he proposed to me on the internet, the time we met in person and he proposed for real, when we got married, the time we spent in Germany, the birth of all of our children, buying our first home, selling our first home, moving to a new city more than a few times, going on vacation as a family this year, celebrating our 10th anniversary early. All I have are memories of our time together.
Now we start 2010 and start NEW. New memories, new experiences, new things, new places.
Despite all the fear that I have about starting a new year, I think 2010 will be a good year for us. I have plans for the kids and I that include, in no particular order:
- Losing a lot more weight for myself. Getting a gym membership tomorrow or monday.
- Buying a house and getting out of our rental
- A trip to Disneyland sometime in 2010
- Start my book at the very least, not quite sure where my focus is going to be on it, but I do want to start writing.
What are your plans for 2010? Are you planning on anything exciting?