I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip. zero. none.
I have my tree up, and all my decor. I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.
Yet something is missing. It doesn't feel like Christmas here at all. Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all. I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents. I have not done any baking. I rarely listen to Christmas music. We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.
In years past, this was all the norm. I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come. I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.
Last year obviously was the exception, and I didn't do anything. We didn't even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember. Since E was a baby in 2002 actually. Last year was horrid. My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that it's all hitting me this year.
I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think. Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I haven't really planned too much. Or maybe because Barry isn't with us anymore, that it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isn't even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.
I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, I'm so slow with that! I don't know, I just don't seem to care this year. Maybe I'll feel differently once we get to my mom's place on Christmas eve and start celebrating. But until then, I won't really know. I just don't care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.
Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat! Let's not even talk about New Years Eve yet.
1 comment:
I felt the same way.. In fact for about 5 years, the kids and I didn't know how to act on Xmas morning..We kind of stumbled thru the motions... It will get easier for you.. I commend u on what u have done so far.. U at least traveled, I didn't.. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.. My husband always made the plans, and it felt strange for me to take over... I wished I had, my son the next year asked why we didn't go anywhere during the summer.. All I could do was look at him as if he was talking to me in a foreign tongue... Its grief and shock that u are going thru... You are going thru the motions because that is what u want to do for your kids... To make things normal... or as it was... Thing is, nothing will ever be the same.. Just keep doing what u are doing... U will get thru this.
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