The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and I've lost almost 80 total.  It's not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldn't eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I don't like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldn't enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but that's ok...I'm not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  I'd like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but I'm not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  There's nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

I'd like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...I'll see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I don't really know to be honest.  I'll just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but I'd be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

Dear Barry

Hey babe :)

I just wanted to send you a quick note to share in my excitement about my new phone....guess what?

I GOT AN iPHONE 4!!!!!!!

Over the weekend I decided my black berry had crashed and frozen on me one too many times, so I made the switch to your blackberry, but kept having freezing issues.  And really, the only reason I was holding onto the blackberries was because of bbm and the ease of talking to my sister and brother when I needed to.  But then Maegen told me about another app she had for chatting, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Yesterday while A was at school, I drove to the Verizon store and upgraded my phone! I was due for an upgrade anyway, so that just made it all the more easier of a decision to make.  I am so happy with my new phone.  But at the same time, it is a little bittersweet because of you.  I know you always said if Verizon ever got an iPhone, you would switch back to one.  So I did it for both of us. :) It is an amazing phone, they've come light years in technology since you had yours.  I still have my iPod touch that you bought me for Christmas three years ago, and I use it for music in the Honda.

Today I had to fill out A's kindergarten registration.  It was a smack in the face to me though, because I had to write "father is deceased" on the forms to avoid confusion.  They'd want to know why I didn't put any info down, right? Little things like this sting the most, like a paper cut, because I can't do anything about them.  And it's just one more reminder that you're not here, you won't be at her first day of Kindergarten, and that you're missing so much.  I hate it.  I hate it for me, and I hate it for the kids.

I miss you, and I will always love you <3

Love forever and always,
Me.

I Just Have To Brag

I've always been interested in photography from a young age.  When I was 12, my parents bought me my first camera for Christmas, which I had for years.  I've had various cameras since then, and a few years ago finally got a good digital camera.  That was my Canon SD1000 Power Shot.

I had bugged Barry for years because I always wanted a DSLR, but he would never let me spend the money on one.  It irritated me to no avail, so the first thing I bought when he died was a Canon Rebel XS DSLR camera, which I absolutely loved.  I felt like such a rebel when I did that.  I had that camera until this past February, when I was at Best Buy with my dad, and traded in that one for the newest Canon EOS 60D.  My dad paid me for my Rebel, and I used that to help pay for this camera.

Since I've had the DSLRs, I've fooled around with photography, and have taken some really amazing photos.  I had a friend over a few weeks ago, and snapped this photo of her 6 month old son.

I've gotten some really great feedback on the photo, and was just nominated for Photo of The Week on JPGMag.com.  Even if I don't get photo of the week, I feel such a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud of myself for taking such a great photo.  I absolutely LOVE it!

If you don't mind, take a peek at the photo and vote if you can :) I'd really appreciate it, even if you have to become a member, I would be really happy if you could.

Thanks so much everyone!!

I had a Dream

I finally dreamed about Barry last night, which seemed to be the first time in forever.  I've never really dreamed of him, just bits and pieces.  It has never been a full length movie-like dream.

In my dream my life was just like it is now.  I was either sitting at my desk reading the news online, or reading a newspaper, and I saw a title that shocked and intrigued me, so I read further.  It said "Man found hiding out in Shelton".  Immediately my eyes were drawn to the article, and it turns out it was Barry.  Who was supposed to be dead.  I don't remember much after that, but in my dream I did see him again.  I remember feeling numb.  I wasn't happy, or sad, or anything really.  I do remember telling him he couldn't sleep in my bed anymore.

And then my alarm went off.

What a bizarre dream!!  Honestly, I don't even know what to make of that because it was so strange.  Why would I dream that?

I do think though, that I am glad I haven't had those really intense dreams where you remember everything about it in the morning.  Having one of those would be too painful for me, because I would get to see him, and talk to him, and touch him in my dreams.  And then upon waking up, it would be like a dagger stuck in my heart, because I'd wake up to the cruel reality that he is no longer here.  I really do prefer not dreaming about him.

New Cell Phone

Not really a new one, but I am using Barry's cell phone.  It has sat practically unused since his death, gathering dust in my nightstand drawer.  

Since my blackberry was about to die, and I kept getting error messages, I knew I had to get a new phone, or else switch.  I really didn't feel like spending the $100 on a new blackberry when the one I had in my drawer was next to new.  We got these phones in August of 2009, and Barry used it for only 6 weeks before he died.  I had it on for the month of October, and then I had it deactivated.

I wanted to keep his phone the way it was, but really, what good is it doing just sitting there? It is practically brand new, has barely been used, and I needed a new phone.  So yesterday I made the switch, and put all my stuff on his phone and re-activated it.  It felt kind of strange though, I completely wiped everything of his off the phone and made it my own.

Is that wrong of me? I felt a little guilty doing it, like I should have saved it as is for posterity's sake.  As I was talking to the Verizon agent on the phone as she walked me through everything, I told her he would say to me "just use it already, its going to waste".  So I did.  And saved myself $100 in the process.  Plus, my contract with Verizon hasn't been renewed and I can cancel anytime I want.  Not that I will, because I am quite happy with them, but its nice knowing that I can if I want.

I know it's only a cell phone, but it took me a  year and a half to do this.  What does it mean for me? That I am one step closer to healing? Kind of silly if you think about it I guess.

It's just a damn phone, and I needed one.