12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldn't ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I can't believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  I've always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but haven't been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that it's in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because I'm a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I don't know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I can't figure out how to work it.

I still can't believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I can't hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what he'd be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

Not to Toot My Own Horn, But...

I did a first ever maternity photo shoot for a close girlfriend today!  I was quite nervous to say the least, and really afraid I would screw them up.  But, I was wrong, and they turned out AMAZING!  Please go check them out and "like" the page if you don't mind :)

https://www.facebook.com/JoannaMichellePhotography
Here is a sneak peak of one of the photos!!! I LOVE it, and it's is probably one of my favorites.

Happy Birthday To me!!

Today I turn 31!

It feels a bit weird, but no different than any other year.  I've gotten spoiled already by  the kids today,  with a box of my favorite Seattle's Best Chocolates, a Joby Gorillapod SLR Zoom, and a Quantaray QSX Ultra 4STM Tripod/monopod.  I also bought myself a new camera backpack, remote and a few minor things.  All photography goodies :) And I couldn't be happier!!

As per usual, here is my birthday song:



Barry played that for me on my last birthday, and I wrote about it last year in remembrance of him. It was really weird to wake up with James this morning, as it is the first birthday with him.  The last birthday I had with anyone was with Barry, so it screwed with my head a bit.

Since we are leaving in just 2.5 days, I won't be posting here before, so look for some pictures and a blog post when we get back.  Now I'm off to enjoy the rest of my birthday, and put together my camera backpack that just arrived by UPS.

Please think of us on the 25th, that is the day we are spreading Barry's ashes.

30 Days of Photo Fun, Day 2

Today I am supposed to share a picture of my favorite shoes.  While I do have many shoes that I love wearing, my favorites right now being my sketchers, I will show a picture of my all time favorite ones to wear.  And I have a few of them.  I do need a couple more colors though!  Can I also say, I about had a meltdown trying to figure out how to watermark my photo.  I seriously almost cried.  Really.  But google helped, and with a wonderful tutorial I was able to do it.

Without further ado:

Though you can't see the colors, they are from Left to Right, black, red, grey and purple.  Most of them are from Target because I can't bear to pay almost $40 for one pair of chucks.  The purple ones are the All stars.

I really fail at cooking dinner on time, so I need to go feed the horde.  But before I do that, I wanted to share that I thought of Barry today while I was driving home from picking up our daughter from school.  It just struck me that it feels like yesterday that he died.  Almost like he just left to go to work and was back on the road.  It almost made me feel like I was living a double life.  Because it still feels like he's around, and though he isn't here physically, he was still "there".  I don't feel his presence much anymore, but once in awhile I know he checks in on us.  I still can't believe that I've been on this widow journey for almost two years now.  Isn't it amazing how fast time flies?

30 Days of Photo Fun

So, I found this awesome amazing site on the Internet called Pinterest and I have totally fallen in love with it.  I've been using it to "pin" wedding ideas for James and I, things I like, yummy food I want to make etc etc.  While I've been burning up my Kitchen Aid mixer, I also found this photo challenge that I want to do.

30 Days of Photo Fun 

I started today with a picture of me...and well, I tried my Canon 60D, I tried my Canon SX230HS, and my iPhone 4 from Verizon.  The first two cameras took awful photos of me, or else I just can't take a self portrait in the mirror.  Probably that one.  I fail at it.  So the iPhone it was.  So here is my 1st Photo of Me!

That's me in all my glory this afternoon.  You'll notice I am not wearing foundation, only a bit of cover up, eye liner and mascara.  My face was oily when I took this, but whatever.  I also have more lines around my eyes, ever since Barry died.  And more grey hair, but that is in hiding right now lol.  Tomorrow I'll be posting my favorite shoes! or a few of them ;)

I forgot

I forgot yesterday was the 10th.

19 months since Barry's passing.

I was already feeling upset last night (for reasons I wont get into on this blog), and when the realization of what I did hit me, I started to sob.  

The thing is, I forgot until it was after midnight, so the whole day passed without me even thinking about it.  Not once did it cross my mind.  I know this is completely normal, and I expected it would happen, but I felt so guilty still.  I felt like I forgot him.

As I lay in bed crying, I so desperately wanted to grab his t-shirt out of my bottom drawer and wrap it around me and fall asleep.  But I didn't because James was right there next to me and I felt guilty about seeking comfort from Barry.

It's hard to choose sometimes, in situations like this.  So I just left the t-shirt in the drawer and pushed the sadness and pain aside and ignored my need for Barry, and didn't go to James either.  

And then I woke up this morning in a sad, foul mood.

Mother's Day

While I intended to write this post yesterday evening, the day got away from me and I did not have any spare time to sit at the computer and write out a blog post.

We've been quite busy here lately, and over the weekend my dad and step mom came for a visit too, from BC, Canada.  Saturday we were lucky to have typical North West weather, and it alternated between pouring and sprinkling all day long.  But we braved the weather, and headed to Northwest Trek for the day.  We love going there, its so much fun to see the animals.  Plus, I wanted to break out my camera and get some great pictures.  And I did :)

Yesterday morning when I went downstairs, I was greeted with a delicious breakfast from James, as well as a pile of presents from him and the  kids.  I was spoiled, really.  The kids got me some OPI nail polish I was wanting, some Lemon Butter cuticle cream, a wonderful wall hanging with the word "Family" on it, and a necklace tree I have been eyeing at Target.  There were two more presents, and I opened the first one to see a case...a hard case for a GPS, with a memory card inside it.  I look at James and said "Thank you!", but was wondering why the heck he got me a case and a memory card, because I didn't need anything like that.  Oh, but there was more....the next box included this:

Yes, this wonderful, amazing, totally awesome man got me a new point and shoot.  Yeah, I know I have a nice DSLR already, but I needed a new point and shoot, and wanted something I could take with me to San Diego in August.  I had asked for one for my birthday though.   I could not believe he got me something so expensive for Mother's day!  And I love it.  I love love LOVE it!!! 

Since yesterday was my day, he said, I wanted us all to go somewhere to use  my new camera.  We headed to Ocean Shores and spent all afternoon at the beach flying kites, eating a picnic, playing in the sand and water, and taking pictures.  We had a wonderful day, and came home exhausted and covered in sand.

Before I end this blog post though, I wanted to give thanks to the person that made it all possible.  Barry.  Without him I would not have a mother's day.  I would not have four beautiful children.  I would just be Joanna.  I would not be a mommy, mama, and mom.  Even though he is gone and no longer with us, he left me with 4 gifts that I get to enjoy and love for the rest of my life.  And for that I can't thank him enough, because he lives on through them in their smiles, their nuances, their laughter, their memories of him.  

Thank you for making me a mommy Barry, I love love love you and miss you so much.

I failed, but started fresh

I should never have started a diet without James being here... I failed miserably this weekend.  The good thing is, he and I both started the fat smash diet together, this morning.  I think that I will be able to do a lot better with him here because I have someone to motivate me, and watch if I try to cheat lol.  I've set a new goal (honestly, I can't remember what my goal was from my last post, and I'm really too lazy to go reference it right now) and I want to be down two jean sizes by mid August when I go to Camp Widow.

I've been assured that I can easily do that as I have just under 3.5 months till I leave.  I'm hoping I can get in shape enough to do the 5K Widow Dash there too, but we'll see.  The best I can do is try, right? I don't even know how much weight that would be to lose, 30lbs maybe? Possibly.  I really don't care about the weight at all, I just want to lose sizes and feel good about myself.

I really dislike dieting.  It plain old sucks.  I miss food.  The funny thing is, we get a lot of food on this diet, but its missing the good stuff.  The meat, the hearty food.  I can't have any of that for the next 9 days.  So May 10th is when we can have meat again.  I'm already counting down the days.

The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and I've lost almost 80 total.  It's not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldn't eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I don't like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldn't enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but that's ok...I'm not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  I'd like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but I'm not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  There's nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

I'd like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...I'll see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I don't really know to be honest.  I'll just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but I'd be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

Dear Barry

Hey babe :)

I just wanted to send you a quick note to share in my excitement about my new phone....guess what?

I GOT AN iPHONE 4!!!!!!!

Over the weekend I decided my black berry had crashed and frozen on me one too many times, so I made the switch to your blackberry, but kept having freezing issues.  And really, the only reason I was holding onto the blackberries was because of bbm and the ease of talking to my sister and brother when I needed to.  But then Maegen told me about another app she had for chatting, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Yesterday while A was at school, I drove to the Verizon store and upgraded my phone! I was due for an upgrade anyway, so that just made it all the more easier of a decision to make.  I am so happy with my new phone.  But at the same time, it is a little bittersweet because of you.  I know you always said if Verizon ever got an iPhone, you would switch back to one.  So I did it for both of us. :) It is an amazing phone, they've come light years in technology since you had yours.  I still have my iPod touch that you bought me for Christmas three years ago, and I use it for music in the Honda.

Today I had to fill out A's kindergarten registration.  It was a smack in the face to me though, because I had to write "father is deceased" on the forms to avoid confusion.  They'd want to know why I didn't put any info down, right? Little things like this sting the most, like a paper cut, because I can't do anything about them.  And it's just one more reminder that you're not here, you won't be at her first day of Kindergarten, and that you're missing so much.  I hate it.  I hate it for me, and I hate it for the kids.

I miss you, and I will always love you <3

Love forever and always,
Me.