Angry, Bitter, Pissed Off, Weepy, Jealous, Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true.  I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  That's a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one  year mark....wow really? One year.  That amazes me.

PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  That's all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.

Being Sad

It hits you at the oddest times.

I've found that in the last few months, even when I think I'm doing ok, that I'm really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I don't know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barry's death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I can't turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And it's HARD, so HARD that I can't do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.


"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Struggling Today

Today I wish it wasn't a holiday, and that I could send the kids on the bus to school again. They have been so bratty today, and I am about to lose my mind. I live for when they're at school, is that bad? At least right now, I want them at school. Honestly, I can't handle them right now, and I am so tired of the fighting, yelling, and bitching at each other. They're all so antagonistic towards each other. Maybe I need to tie their legs together so they can just walk as one, and not 4.

Today I am so BORED. There is so much to do around the house, but I have been hit with a tendinitis flare up, and even typing this is hard. So putting together that shelving unit I bought yesterday, is going to have to wait. As is all the detailed work like folding laundry, and cleaning. I'm basically left with one hand, my right one, to do everything. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch TV, the Internet is boring, the kids are bratty, today sucks. I was thinking of heading to Wall*Hell today, but I am not about to take all the kids to a store to hear them whine about not getting toys, and running all over the place. Plus, I have a cold too, so not being able to breathe through my nose is pretty awful. I woke up at one point during the night because I couldn't breathe.

Today also marks Month Two. Today we started a new month without Barry. I think it is really starting to hit me, and I have been a lot more weepy lately. I just miss him so much! I still don't know how I am going to go on without him. I am, but I don't know how. Sure, it's easy to say moment by moment, but do you know sometimes I wish I could just end all this and be with him. I don't relish the thought of being without my husband for the rest of my life. I don't want the added responsibility that comes with being an "official" single parent.

Most of all, I am so tired of hearing "I'm so sorry for your loss", and "keeping you in our prayers and thoughts". ENOUGH! Just stop it already. I just want advice and support, NOT an I'm sorry. And I'm going to lay it all out here, I am so pissed that some of the family members didn't send cards or call. WTF, are you so into yourself and your own issues that you can't send a card? You can't even send your condolences via email or facebook? Might as well not even try now, it's been a month. Just remember this when you lose someone in your life, and I conveniently forget to send a card or call. Maybe you didn't know Barry very well, or talk to him in YEARS, but shame on you for not even saying an I'm sorry via a card when he died. A stamp only costs $.44 and a card about $3. Is that not worth it to you? Yeah, I know i said I was tired of the sympathy, but it just gets to me that some people, especially FAMILY, didn't care enough about us to send cards or send condolences. I think it's really sad that people are so close minded that they can't take a half hour to buy, address, and send a card when someone dies.

Tomorrow our family grief support starts. I am looking forward to it. I just need to vent to other people that have experienced what I have. I'm still thinking of looking into going to a shooting range. I really need to get out some aggression I think. I'm also going to a grief support group on Monday, on how to prepare/survive the holidays without your loved ones.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

The (Unintentional) Branding of a Widow

As my Aunt Christine said, you feel like you walk around with a big W tattooed on your forehead, where everyone can notice it.

I don't think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like we're lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.

And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.

Do you know how irritating it is to hear "I'm sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I don't want to hear them. Saying "I'm sorry" is not going to make me feel better, it's not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, it's not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesn't do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I can't be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but I'm a WIDOW and I'M GRIEVING.

And while I'm on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.

Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. It's hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying you're sorry, or asking how I am.

That is all.

Numbness then Anger

I am numb. I feel like I just have no emotion right now. Nothing but anger.

Yet I feel guilty for laughing with my sister, for giggling into the nighttime as we talk in bed beside each other, laughing at funny things and how I talk when I am half asleep. I feel guilty for being normal, for going about my day without being a snivelling mess. I'm so used to being by myself with the kids that I feel ok with him not here, but only because i am used to it. He's hardly here most of the time anyway, I just miss talking to him! And I just feel guilty for feeling ok with that.

I feel guilty for not breaking down when I was planning his service and picking out his urn. But I did cry when the funeral director told me they had his body and he would be cremated today. And I did cry when I read his obituary in the paper. I am even ok a bit with seeing his pictures now. Last night I put together his memory board and it was ok, I was just fine with doing it. I got a little teary eyed, but the crying now happens only when i remember little things. And I feel guilty for not sleeping in his t-shirt last night. I felt I was ok to use my regular pajamas.

I cleaned out part of his truck this morning. I was laughing at some of the stuff. He was looking for his black beanie cap and didn't even know where it was. I found it. I also found bottle after bottle of half used water, gatorade, powerade, orange juice, and diet coke. He was notorious for not finishing what was in a bottle. And I probably found close to $60 in change, if not more. I'd say closer to $75.

The things I miss are how I won't see him standing at his sink anymore shaving his head and beard. How i won't hear him laugh. How I won't see him smile. HOw I won't get another text message, phone call, email. How I won't get woken up by a bbm or text saying "time to get up baby".

I'm having so much trouble coming to the finality of it all. It DOESN'T seem real. How can someone who loved life so much be here one minute and gone the next? Why? I feel like this is all a bad dream and he will just pop right in here and say hi. It doesn't make sense why he is gone. WHY WHY WHY ">WHY WHY.

And besides numbness, I have been ANGRY. FUCKING ANGRY at him. Why did he leave me so unprepared? Why do I have to shoulder all this responsibility right now? He was going to put more RAM in my computer, but who does that now? Who is going to hang up the bike hooks in the shed and fix the coffee table? Who has to get the brakes fixed? Who's going to remind me to check the fluid levels in my van? Who's going to put in the weed eater thread. Who's going to hang up pictures? Who am I supposed to talk to when I have a problem, when I don't know what to do about something? Who is going to help me make major decisions? Who IS going to make the big decisions? Who is going to fill in the holes that the dog dug? Who is going to hug me and kiss me and love me? Who is going to smack my ass again?

How on earth am I going to do all this? how? I DON"T KNOW. He never showed me how to do it! I dont know when to check it, how to check it, how to do any of it. I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being, the fact that I am being stuck with this responsibility. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to be financially responsible for 5 people and 3 pets. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I am so furious right now, so angry that I just want to scream and yell and ask him why he did this to me. Why didn't he think to prepare me more for anything?

Yesterday I was so mad that I had to buy outfits. That I had to buy everyone new shoes, each girl a dress, me some pants and a nice top, myself a new coat, the boy pants and a dress shirt. And when are we ever going to wear this crap again? Do I really want to wear the funeral clothes again? I know we probably can, but still. UGH.

I am just so angry. So very very angry.

Grief, Again

What else can I write about?

I just don’t know.

I think grief is funny in some ways. It just has so many different facets and you keep finding new ones.

Today was a hard day for me. Especially hard was buying an outfit for his memorial service. I found a beautiful sweater and slacks to wear, I love the outfit and I feel pretty in it. But I kept breaking down in the store while I was trying it on. It was so hard to buy it.

This afternoon my mom and I also went to the funeral home and planned his service. I thought that would be so incredibly hard, but it actually wasn’t. The funeral director was so very kind, and we actually have mutual friends. I am so glad I chose them because they have just been everything everyone has said. I was able to pick out my husband’s Urn, plan everything, and I think I only cried once. I remember the original urn I picked out had to have the ashes just placed in there without the protection of a plastic bag, but I didn’t like that idea. So I suggested to the funeral director that he place the bag inside and make sure the edges were outside and overlapping, and pour his ashes in with a funnel. Somehow that just struck me as the funniest thing and my mom and I started laughing. It was so healing to laugh though. And last night when my mom, sister and I were choosing the songs for his service, I played the last one for them and we also started laughing like crazy. It was just SO him, so Pompous, just like him to chose a song like this for the end of his service. He had expressed his wishes to me in the past when we had talked about it, so I was happy to do that for him. But the song just makes me laugh.

Did you know that when you are grieving you often lose the desire to eat? When you eat, it’s only because you have to, and everything tastes like sawdust. everything. When he was in the hospital, I lost weight as well, but more than I thought I did. I have no appetite even though my stomach rumbles to eat. My mouth tastes like paste, NOTHING tastes good. Now don’t get all alarmed when you read what I’m about to say, but I’ve lost 11lbs in just over a week. 11lbs. And that’s ok, because I have a lot of weight to lose. I just wanted him to be able to enjoy my svelte hot body, lol. Now he’s going to miss it. Seriously though, my appetite has taken a hike. Even when I am hungry, I can’t overeat. My body just doesn’t let me.

The hardest part for me tonight was figuring out specifics for the service and program and obituary. My mom and I wrote his obit together, and it was just heart wrenching trying to write it, just awful. Also, I had to pick pictures for his obituary and his memory board that we’re making. I hate looking at his pictures. HATE HATE HATE “>HATE “>HATE “>HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to see his face. I dont want to be reminded of what I have lost. Why, WHY did he have to be taken away after only 11 years of knowing him. WE WERE ONLY MARRIED ALMOST 10 YEARS. It’s not fucking fair! I would weigh 500lbs if I could just have him back in my life. I would do anything, ANYTHING to have him back.

Little things irritate me and I’m really on edge. Like the kids being noisy…that is really getting on my nerves. And my sister playing with her camera…I was about to throw the damn thing out the window for all the annoying beeps it made. And my mom not liking some things that I chose, or wrote. I desperately want help,but then I don’t. I don’t want to have my choices and decisions about what I do for HIM to be questioned. I KNOW what HE wanted. It has NOTHING to do with anyone else but me, the kids and him.

I’m so exhausted, I feel like I’m running on pure adrenalin. Off to a busy day again tomorrow. Bank, dentist, outfits for kids, etc etc. sigh.