30 Days of Photo Fun

So, I found this awesome amazing site on the Internet called Pinterest and I have totally fallen in love with it.  I've been using it to "pin" wedding ideas for James and I, things I like, yummy food I want to make etc etc.  While I've been burning up my Kitchen Aid mixer, I also found this photo challenge that I want to do.

30 Days of Photo Fun 

I started today with a picture of me...and well, I tried my Canon 60D, I tried my Canon SX230HS, and my iPhone 4 from Verizon.  The first two cameras took awful photos of me, or else I just can't take a self portrait in the mirror.  Probably that one.  I fail at it.  So the iPhone it was.  So here is my 1st Photo of Me!

That's me in all my glory this afternoon.  You'll notice I am not wearing foundation, only a bit of cover up, eye liner and mascara.  My face was oily when I took this, but whatever.  I also have more lines around my eyes, ever since Barry died.  And more grey hair, but that is in hiding right now lol.  Tomorrow I'll be posting my favorite shoes! or a few of them ;)

I forgot

I forgot yesterday was the 10th.

19 months since Barry's passing.

I was already feeling upset last night (for reasons I wont get into on this blog), and when the realization of what I did hit me, I started to sob.  

The thing is, I forgot until it was after midnight, so the whole day passed without me even thinking about it.  Not once did it cross my mind.  I know this is completely normal, and I expected it would happen, but I felt so guilty still.  I felt like I forgot him.

As I lay in bed crying, I so desperately wanted to grab his t-shirt out of my bottom drawer and wrap it around me and fall asleep.  But I didn't because James was right there next to me and I felt guilty about seeking comfort from Barry.

It's hard to choose sometimes, in situations like this.  So I just left the t-shirt in the drawer and pushed the sadness and pain aside and ignored my need for Barry, and didn't go to James either.  

And then I woke up this morning in a sad, foul mood.

Mother's Day

While I intended to write this post yesterday evening, the day got away from me and I did not have any spare time to sit at the computer and write out a blog post.

We've been quite busy here lately, and over the weekend my dad and step mom came for a visit too, from BC, Canada.  Saturday we were lucky to have typical North West weather, and it alternated between pouring and sprinkling all day long.  But we braved the weather, and headed to Northwest Trek for the day.  We love going there, its so much fun to see the animals.  Plus, I wanted to break out my camera and get some great pictures.  And I did :)

Yesterday morning when I went downstairs, I was greeted with a delicious breakfast from James, as well as a pile of presents from him and the  kids.  I was spoiled, really.  The kids got me some OPI nail polish I was wanting, some Lemon Butter cuticle cream, a wonderful wall hanging with the word "Family" on it, and a necklace tree I have been eyeing at Target.  There were two more presents, and I opened the first one to see a case...a hard case for a GPS, with a memory card inside it.  I look at James and said "Thank you!", but was wondering why the heck he got me a case and a memory card, because I didn't need anything like that.  Oh, but there was more....the next box included this:

Yes, this wonderful, amazing, totally awesome man got me a new point and shoot.  Yeah, I know I have a nice DSLR already, but I needed a new point and shoot, and wanted something I could take with me to San Diego in August.  I had asked for one for my birthday though.   I could not believe he got me something so expensive for Mother's day!  And I love it.  I love love LOVE it!!! 

Since yesterday was my day, he said, I wanted us all to go somewhere to use  my new camera.  We headed to Ocean Shores and spent all afternoon at the beach flying kites, eating a picnic, playing in the sand and water, and taking pictures.  We had a wonderful day, and came home exhausted and covered in sand.

Before I end this blog post though, I wanted to give thanks to the person that made it all possible.  Barry.  Without him I would not have a mother's day.  I would not have four beautiful children.  I would just be Joanna.  I would not be a mommy, mama, and mom.  Even though he is gone and no longer with us, he left me with 4 gifts that I get to enjoy and love for the rest of my life.  And for that I can't thank him enough, because he lives on through them in their smiles, their nuances, their laughter, their memories of him.  

Thank you for making me a mommy Barry, I love love love you and miss you so much.

I failed, but started fresh

I should never have started a diet without James being here... I failed miserably this weekend.  The good thing is, he and I both started the fat smash diet together, this morning.  I think that I will be able to do a lot better with him here because I have someone to motivate me, and watch if I try to cheat lol.  I've set a new goal (honestly, I can't remember what my goal was from my last post, and I'm really too lazy to go reference it right now) and I want to be down two jean sizes by mid August when I go to Camp Widow.

I've been assured that I can easily do that as I have just under 3.5 months till I leave.  I'm hoping I can get in shape enough to do the 5K Widow Dash there too, but we'll see.  The best I can do is try, right? I don't even know how much weight that would be to lose, 30lbs maybe? Possibly.  I really don't care about the weight at all, I just want to lose sizes and feel good about myself.

I really dislike dieting.  It plain old sucks.  I miss food.  The funny thing is, we get a lot of food on this diet, but its missing the good stuff.  The meat, the hearty food.  I can't have any of that for the next 9 days.  So May 10th is when we can have meat again.  I'm already counting down the days.

The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and I've lost almost 80 total.  It's not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldn't eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I don't like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldn't enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but that's ok...I'm not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  I'd like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but I'm not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  There's nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

I'd like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...I'll see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I don't really know to be honest.  I'll just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but I'd be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

Dear Barry

Hey babe :)

I just wanted to send you a quick note to share in my excitement about my new phone....guess what?

I GOT AN iPHONE 4!!!!!!!

Over the weekend I decided my black berry had crashed and frozen on me one too many times, so I made the switch to your blackberry, but kept having freezing issues.  And really, the only reason I was holding onto the blackberries was because of bbm and the ease of talking to my sister and brother when I needed to.  But then Maegen told me about another app she had for chatting, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Yesterday while A was at school, I drove to the Verizon store and upgraded my phone! I was due for an upgrade anyway, so that just made it all the more easier of a decision to make.  I am so happy with my new phone.  But at the same time, it is a little bittersweet because of you.  I know you always said if Verizon ever got an iPhone, you would switch back to one.  So I did it for both of us. :) It is an amazing phone, they've come light years in technology since you had yours.  I still have my iPod touch that you bought me for Christmas three years ago, and I use it for music in the Honda.

Today I had to fill out A's kindergarten registration.  It was a smack in the face to me though, because I had to write "father is deceased" on the forms to avoid confusion.  They'd want to know why I didn't put any info down, right? Little things like this sting the most, like a paper cut, because I can't do anything about them.  And it's just one more reminder that you're not here, you won't be at her first day of Kindergarten, and that you're missing so much.  I hate it.  I hate it for me, and I hate it for the kids.

I miss you, and I will always love you <3

Love forever and always,
Me.

I Just Have To Brag

I've always been interested in photography from a young age.  When I was 12, my parents bought me my first camera for Christmas, which I had for years.  I've had various cameras since then, and a few years ago finally got a good digital camera.  That was my Canon SD1000 Power Shot.

I had bugged Barry for years because I always wanted a DSLR, but he would never let me spend the money on one.  It irritated me to no avail, so the first thing I bought when he died was a Canon Rebel XS DSLR camera, which I absolutely loved.  I felt like such a rebel when I did that.  I had that camera until this past February, when I was at Best Buy with my dad, and traded in that one for the newest Canon EOS 60D.  My dad paid me for my Rebel, and I used that to help pay for this camera.

Since I've had the DSLRs, I've fooled around with photography, and have taken some really amazing photos.  I had a friend over a few weeks ago, and snapped this photo of her 6 month old son.

I've gotten some really great feedback on the photo, and was just nominated for Photo of The Week on JPGMag.com.  Even if I don't get photo of the week, I feel such a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud of myself for taking such a great photo.  I absolutely LOVE it!

If you don't mind, take a peek at the photo and vote if you can :) I'd really appreciate it, even if you have to become a member, I would be really happy if you could.

Thanks so much everyone!!

I had a Dream

I finally dreamed about Barry last night, which seemed to be the first time in forever.  I've never really dreamed of him, just bits and pieces.  It has never been a full length movie-like dream.

In my dream my life was just like it is now.  I was either sitting at my desk reading the news online, or reading a newspaper, and I saw a title that shocked and intrigued me, so I read further.  It said "Man found hiding out in Shelton".  Immediately my eyes were drawn to the article, and it turns out it was Barry.  Who was supposed to be dead.  I don't remember much after that, but in my dream I did see him again.  I remember feeling numb.  I wasn't happy, or sad, or anything really.  I do remember telling him he couldn't sleep in my bed anymore.

And then my alarm went off.

What a bizarre dream!!  Honestly, I don't even know what to make of that because it was so strange.  Why would I dream that?

I do think though, that I am glad I haven't had those really intense dreams where you remember everything about it in the morning.  Having one of those would be too painful for me, because I would get to see him, and talk to him, and touch him in my dreams.  And then upon waking up, it would be like a dagger stuck in my heart, because I'd wake up to the cruel reality that he is no longer here.  I really do prefer not dreaming about him.

New Cell Phone

Not really a new one, but I am using Barry's cell phone.  It has sat practically unused since his death, gathering dust in my nightstand drawer.  

Since my blackberry was about to die, and I kept getting error messages, I knew I had to get a new phone, or else switch.  I really didn't feel like spending the $100 on a new blackberry when the one I had in my drawer was next to new.  We got these phones in August of 2009, and Barry used it for only 6 weeks before he died.  I had it on for the month of October, and then I had it deactivated.

I wanted to keep his phone the way it was, but really, what good is it doing just sitting there? It is practically brand new, has barely been used, and I needed a new phone.  So yesterday I made the switch, and put all my stuff on his phone and re-activated it.  It felt kind of strange though, I completely wiped everything of his off the phone and made it my own.

Is that wrong of me? I felt a little guilty doing it, like I should have saved it as is for posterity's sake.  As I was talking to the Verizon agent on the phone as she walked me through everything, I told her he would say to me "just use it already, its going to waste".  So I did.  And saved myself $100 in the process.  Plus, my contract with Verizon hasn't been renewed and I can cancel anytime I want.  Not that I will, because I am quite happy with them, but its nice knowing that I can if I want.

I know it's only a cell phone, but it took me a  year and a half to do this.  What does it mean for me? That I am one step closer to healing? Kind of silly if you think about it I guess.

It's just a damn phone, and I needed one.

So, No More Grief Support

I suppose I realized long ago that we were ready to be done with it, but it wasn't until yesterday that I really felt OK with stopping.

Our last session was actually at the end of January, and I told our group that we would be missing the February 14th session due to it being Valentine's day, and I wanted to spend it with James.  The time after that I had to skip because gas prices were rising, and I couldn't afford it that week.  It is a 45 minute drive for us one way, so that uses up a lot of gas.  The last session we missed was earlier this month, and we were all set to go, but then my son M woke up with a 102 fever that day, so no more grief support.

Yesterday was another session (they run every other week, twice a month), but I was dreading the drive.  I really don't like driving that far on a school night because we don't get home till 9PM, and then the kids still have to shower.  I asked the three older kids why they liked going, and their first answers were because they "like playing in the gym".  That pretty much answered my question on whether or not we should continue.

When I told them that we would be no longer attending after last night, they weren't too terribly upset. My plan was to go so we could say our goodbyes and have one last session.  But then we landed up not going anyway because Kid #3, E, wasn't done her science fair project on time and it was due today.  So we stayed home.

And we're done with it.

And I feel OK.

I actually feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders because I don't feel obligated to go anymore.  We have been in Grief Support continuously since Barry passed away, so we have gone a LONG time.  It's OK to be relieved to be closing that chapter right? We really do feel OK right now, and we are doing really well.  In two weeks it will be 18 months ago that Barry passed away, and while I feel we really don't need that constant support anymore, I know that there will still be moments of sadness, anger and crying.  And that is OK, I know that.  And I am prepared for the fact that the kids and I may need additional counseling later on in life, but for now we don't need it anymore

We're moving on.