Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  I'm a single mom.  I'm on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. I've got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  I'm sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because I'm going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why I'm having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? he's DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesn't seem possible.  I can't accept it, and I don't think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  It's just not fair, it's not supposed to happen. I don't understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still don't think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I can't even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasn't real, that I wasn't a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  I've heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now I'm not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

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Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  I'll try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Intuitive VS Instrumental Grieving

This topic was brought up last night at our first summer grief support meeting.

The kids and I started going to a new one that was run by the organization that put on their summer camp.  I thought it would be a great way to continue with some of their camp relationships, and also help us again deal with the loss of Barry.  We are attending two groups this summer; one here in town, and this other one.  I haven't yet decided if we will go to this new one come fall, as it is a half hour drive (on a good day w/ no traffic), and it doesn't get out till 8PM at night.  I'm not too sure I can handle that on school nights.  We'll have to see how well it goes. So far I like the group a LOT, as this one actually serves me too, and not just the kids.

So...  Intuitive VS Instrumental grief

I'm right down the middle.

Intuitive is  dealing with your grief by getting quiet time, thinking, talking with others, writing (ME) and such things like that.  I find it very therapeutic to write sometimes, like I am doing right now.  It helps me process my feelings about Barry's death by getting them out and in the open.  As my friend Jason said, I have this knack to make people feel my emotions.  I'm very good at articulating and expressing myself with these words I am typing.  Talking also really helps me, which is where my girlfriend Christy comes in.  She is also a fellow widow, and we discuss it quite often.  It  helps to have that sounding board, well, one that knows exactly what I am going through even though we grieve differently.

Exploring the Instrumental grieving process was really eye opening for me, as I realized I am really like this a lot too. This is when you do activities that keep you busy, help get rid of adrenaline/aggression, distract you.  For me, this is a prime example of me wanting to go to the range to shoot Barry's guns (which I'll be doing soon with Jason I think), and keeping extremely busy to keep my mind off things.  I've also had this incredible urge to start running! I really think this will help me too, as I am literally craving the feeling of my feet pounding the pavement.  I am starting in the fall when the kids go back to school, and I really can't wait to do it.  I think to some people that instrumental grieving might seem like a bit of a cop out, but it really isn't.  It helps to keep busy so you are distracted, and not dwelling on things.  In some ways, I think I sway  more to this side than the other, which is funny considering I never thought I'd be this type of person before Barry died.  I am always busy it seems.  I don't like to keep still.  We are always going somewhere, or doing something.  For example, yesterday we started the week with our grief support last night, today the dog had a  Vet appt, and we had dentist appointments all afternoon.  Tomorrow the kids and I are headed to a neighboring city to do a bit of shopping, and look at bikes and possibly go to the beach.  Thursday we have another grief support meeting.  Friday is my dirty thirty party, Saturday I am going out with my good friend Greg, Sunday we will find something to do, and next Monday again I will be at Midas and headed to the grief group again.  We have something every day, and I crave that.  I need that.

What is important to remember though, is that everyone grieves differently.  Even in families, every person is an individual and grieves differently.  My son M is intuitive with his grief, he is very quiet with his grief, likes to write letters to his dad and so forth.  I haven't quite figured out the other kids, but we're a pretty good mix of both I think.

Realization

I realized recently that Barry will always stay young, while I will always get old.

When you get married, you're supposed to grow old together, die together (or close in age together), and sit on your front porch watching your grandchildren play outside together.  It isn't supposed to be like this, where one stays the same age forever, and the other ages as any normal person would.

Barry is going to stay forever as this young man of 29.  We will be able to look at his photos, and see him from birth to 29, but never more.  And I find that hard to believe, because he will always be daddy, Barry, my husband.  He'll forever be those, but he wont age like us.  I'm older than him now, which is incredibly surreal to me.  I'll be turning 30 in 5 days. He never reached his 30th birthday.  Can I liken it to a vampire? LOL  That's why vampires can never visit their families years down the road, because they look the same as the day they died.  Can you tell I've just finished reading the last Sookie Stackhouse book? "Dead In The Family"? LOL

What's going to happen is that for now, I will get older.  I'll get more grey hair, I'll get more wrinkles, and I will age.  I will eventually look older than Barry, and I don't like that.  And then the kids will start to age, and eventually they will look older than their daddy, and they in turn will get wrinkles and grey hair.  We'll always be older than him, and I can't fathom that, because he was supposed to be here forever.

How will it feel when I am an old woman of 80, and I look at a picture, into the eyes of my 50 years ago deceased husband? Will I still feel the same way I do now about him? Or will it be like looking into a dream, hardly believing he even existed? I guess it is hard to fathom, and will be even then, because in reality, we only spent 11 years together.  11 years is a blink of an eye, when you consider a whole lifetime.  I've also wondered if I am going to get Alzheimer's like my Great Oma did, and perhaps talk about Barry like he is still around, and like I am still the 29 year old I was when he passed.

I wish I could freeze time. Just freeze it right now where I am. I could stay the same age, Barry will always stay the same age, and the kids will too.  That way I don't have to face the realization that I will get old, and he will not.

And I think this is also why I am so apathetic about my upcoming 30th birthday on the 16th. I don't want to get old. I don't want to age.

Nine Months In

It's Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter E's 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didn't want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didn't.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just can't bare to open yet.  I don't know why, but I just can't do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

I've thought about something else a lot too, and that thought is...is my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and he's not here for me to talk to.  He's not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  He's GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldn't have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  I've lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didn't know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldn't have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I can't just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, I'm a widow, I have a house, I'm financially secure, I'm thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.

I came in this afternoon from shooting some pics with my Canon Rebel, and sat down at the computer to look through the pictures that I shot.  While waiting for the pics to upload, I logged onto face book to change my profile picture.  I was scrolling through my profile pictures, looking for a photo to use as my new one, when I came across one of the few photos I have of Barry on there.  And I started to get a little teary eyed.

I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and missed him.  I miss him.

We have settled so well into our new life here in our new house.  Almost too well I think.  I don't think about him all the time.  Is that bad? I just find myself so pre-occupied with everything else that is going on, that I forget him.  Don't get me wrong, I do think of him every single day, but not like I used to.  It's hard to explain I guess.  He's not here, so it's easy to go about day to day life without him. But then days like today happen, we get a little memory, and we're sad.  That is OK though.  I can't remember many things with him. I can, but he is fuzzy to me.  I have mentioned this before, but he really is like a dream.  Doesn't seem real.  Like I dreamed the last 11 years of him.   Did you know that this December 18th will mark 12 years ago that I met him? 12 years ago.  It seems a lifetime ago.

 On Father's Day, the kids and I went to Build A Bear, and made teddy bears with his ashes in them.  Maybe I shouldn't say ashes, because they were more than ashes.  Maybe its a little morbid to share this, but cremated remains have chunks of bone in them.  So we made teddy bears with his cremated remains, full of his chunks of bone.  Gross eh? haha I just have to laugh b/c I had to explain that to the kids.  Anyway, I had extra ashes after the cremation, and took to the funeral home to have them put in canisters for us.  I still have extra ashes even after that! We each put a canister in our Barry Bears, and after all was said and done, the kids were shaking them, because we could hear the ashes inside.  I jokingly said to V that if she kept shaking "daddy", she was going to give him brain damage, and she looked at me and said "No Mommy, I'm going to give him Ash damage". LOL  We all cracked up over that.  I know Barry would appreciate us laughing at things like that.  But I also cried that day too, when I was getting my Barry Bear's heart ready to put inside him (if you've done build a bear, you know what they do with the little stuffed heart that goes in the bear).  Since that day, my Barry Bear has sat on my desk.  Just looking at me.  But the other night, he came to bed with me as I was sad and tired.  I cried myself to sleep with "Barry" in my arms.  It felt good to hold him, what little bit I could, in my arms again.

I looked through pictures of him as a child the other day.  It amazes me how much our children look like their daddy.  The boy is exactly like him, exactly....except he is tall and skinny, whereas Barry was tall and stocky. And A has the exact same scrunched up faces that Barry made as a child in his photos.  E and V also look just like him in some of the pictures.  It might be a certain look on their face, or his in a photo, or just a smirk I see, the way they do something or laugh.  But he truly lives on through these four beautiful children we made.  How am I going to handle it when M is a teenager and looking just like his daddy? Will that make it harder for me to see his face every day?  Or will it be a blessing to be able to see Barry through our son? I have wondered this so many times.

Now being that it is the 4th of July, I have to dry my tears, pull myself together, and go bbq some hot dogs for the kids and I.  Fireworks tonight!!!

In Memory

I haven't blogged in about three weeks now, we've been so busy living our lives.  I'll give a bit of an update in the next few days, but I have to first talk about Barry.

Eight months ago today I became a widow. Eight months ago my entire world was shattered as I held my husband in my arms and the doctors called the time of death. 11:11AM.  Eight months ago a new life began as I started a life without Barry, and just the kids and I.

And I miss him every. single. day.

And I still have trouble believing he is gone.  I don't think I will every get over that, ever.  It is completely impossible for me to accept his death, to come to terms with the fact that such a strong life force was snuffed out like a mere candle.  He shouldn't be dead, that sort of thing just doesn't happen.  Really, why should a healthy 29 year old man die? WHY?

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

  I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

Today I will shed a tear, or many, for the man that I have lost.  

Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I haven't had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we haven't been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  I've passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and he's not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  I'm going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I don't feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long I'm sure, I just didn't want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  I'm here, just living!   I'll be back soon!! 

Last Wednesday? I'm Sorry!!!

I didn't realize it has been since Wednesday that I last blogged! Oops!  Sorry for my absence, we had a super busy week.

Thursday started off with my Mom and Oma coming for a few days from Canada, for Mother's Day and my housewarming party.  And since they're internet and computer Nazis, I wasn't able to get on here that much.  Friday we got up early to bring the kids to school, as I had TWO Mother's day events that day.  One was in the morning, and one was at noon.  In between, I managed to drive them around the city to see the sights a bit, and we also did a quick trip to Trader Joe's.  Then it was off to the school again, and after that, we spent the afternoon at Costco.   Saturday we were up at 7:30 and go-go-go ALL day.  We didn't really settle down until almost 10 PM.  We did food prep all morning, and then the party was all afternoon.  However, some friends came late and didn't leave till 9:30PM.  That's perfectly ok though, we had a lot of fun with them, and drank and played scrabble.

As yesterday was Mother's Day, the kids and I did stuff together.  We went out for lunch, and then did a bit of shopping.  We had a really long day too, as my mother's day gift to myself was this:

Her name is Athena, Butterball for short! haha.  She is 7 weeks old and just a joy!  I also got her to keep Braddock company, who is our 7 year old black lab.  We all love her to bits, even Braddock!  except the cats, they're keeping away from her. I bought all the pets some extra treats, and we're giving Braddock extra love so he doesn't feel left out.  I kept with the Greek theme for names (except for Braddock, we did this after he came along), because Barry always insisted we do "distinguished" names for our pets, nothing stupid like Shadow, Rover, that kind of thing.  He was always adamant about that.  So I kept up with it in his memory.  Athena is also AKC registered, and has champion bloodlines.  I may or may not breed her, I have to think about it for awhile.

In other news, with the excitement of Athena, I forgot what day it was today.  It's the 10th.  I even surpassed 11:11AM.  7 months ago I became a widow, and I forgot! I am shocked, guilty and relieved all at the same time.  It is the first time I have forgotten.  I don't even know what else to say, except I'm shocked I forgot.  This can only be a good thing though, as we go through the healing process.  But I actually forgot! wow.

I had a rough morning yesterday without him, as we had another holiday without Barry.  I cried as soon as I woke up, realizing that I'll never hear him say "Happy Mother's Day" to me anymore, I'll never get those deliveries from Pro Flowers or 1800Flowers anymore.  I cried and cried at breakfast with the kids, and my mom and oma.  I was better the rest of the day though, thankfully.  Yes, I do have my kids which are such a gift from him...but as much as i love them, they don't replace him, it doesn't make me feel that much better.  Flame me if you like for saying that, but I can't be happy just because I have the kids from him.  Because they don't replace him.  le sigh.

Well, time for me to be puppy mommy and put Athena outside again.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!

Vacation Planning

Most everyone knows I am planning on taking the kids on a trip this October to help us pass the one year mark as easy as possible.  I know there are most definitely differing opinions, running from "Why are you wasting your money" to "It wont help make it any better for you all".  And I have heard ALL of them!  While I value every one's opinions, I don't really care, because in the end, I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

And I'm taking the kids out of school for two weeks in October and we're going to Florida.   Yep, two weeks.  I will be taking homework for them, as I think it will help mellow them out too when they're too full of energy.  I'm sure the teachers will appreciate it too.  Originally I had planned on only going for a week and a half, but figured if we're going to do the whole Florida thing, we'd do it right.  I haven't booked anything yet, but will be doing so in the next couple weeks, as I am still doing research on everything.  My plan is to leave sometime between the 30th of September (on a red-eye) and the 6th, and stay for two whole weeks.  The only requirement I have is that we're there for sure before the 8th, because that is E's 8th birthday!!   We'll be doing the Disney World Resort theme parks for about a week or so, and then we're headed to Universal Orlando for 4 days.  AND...to make it educational, lol, I'll be taking the kids to NASA aka Kennedy Space Center for a day.  I plan on skipping the beaches, because, I really don't care about that.  I haven't worked out the entire details, but the bulk of our trip will be at Disney World (The Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot and Disney's Hollywood Studios).

I am super super excited to go to Universal Orlando because "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" will be open, and me being a huge Harry Potter fan, that will be the ULTIMATE vacation (besides Europe of course!).  Also, Harry Potter was Barry's favorite book series.  He loved it so much, it was even mentioned in his Obit and at the funeral.  I couldn't even tell you how often he read the books, more than I did for sure.  He was an avid Harry Potter Fan.  He and I were able to see the 6th movie together last summer!  As the kids and I were touring the Harry Potter attractions on the Universal website (check out the link I posted above!), I did get a little teary eyed.  It made me so sad that Barry wouldn't  be able to be there with us, because he would have loved it.  I know he'll be there with us still in spirit, but how I wish he could see it in the flesh with us at his side.  So this is something else we're going to do for him, and I am so excited!

Some of the stores they have open in the Hogsmeade village include Olivanders (Yes, I will get a wand for the kids! LOL), Zonko's and also Honeydukes among others.  There is even "Owl Post", which is a functioning post office, and mails items from there with a Hogsmeade postmark!  Can you tell I am excited? I am just over the moon about going.

If anyone has any tips on Disney World for me, or how to travel across the country with 4 kids on a plane, please let me know :) I welcome any advice that will help make it easier for me!  This is going to be a "once in a lifetime" thing, so I am going to make it the most memorable trip I possibly can.

I'm looking forward to sharing details with you all!!

Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I won't be writing about it after all because it wasn't a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but I'd still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for E's birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldn't be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I don't think I'll be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didn't know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. I'll see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesn't matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)